Gynecologist Guessing Game

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”

Pregnancy - Top 10 FAQ’

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

No More Floppy Lips

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’

A Cuckoo Of A Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem p***d off in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh sh*t.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Play Your Age

A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!”

Are Computers Male or Female?

A foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”

The French teacher wasn’t sure which gender it was, so she ivided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories.

Email address

The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus.

The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into", E-mail and how to access the "Information Highway."

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept
resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, "The sign told me, 'begins@7:30 P.M.'"

Using the Net

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day... teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Lovers employment

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Domain names

Make sure you don’t make the same mistake when setting up your web page

It's not always easy choosing the right domain name... but you can't do
much worse than these people.

Firstly there is "Who Represents?" - a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can
exchange advice and views:

http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

http://www.penisland.net

Need a therapist? Try:

http://www.therapistfinder.com

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New SouthWales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com

Computer dating

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.

He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly.

It sent him a penguin.

Microhard

Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide rights to Viagra?

He's renaming it MICROHARD.

Genius

A computer system technician worked at a law firm. One day, in the process of reconfiguring a user's computer, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her username and then asked her password to log back on.

Her password was "genius".

Each time he tried it, he received a message that stated the username or password was incorrect. Knowing that the username was correct, he asked her how to spell her password.

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."

RIAA & CD-RW drives

RIAA Wants Background Checks on CD-RW Buyers.

Washington DC - The RIAA is lobbying for vendors of CD-RW drives to conduct background checks and require a 3 day waiting period before the drive can be sold.

The extensive background check would include cross referencing credit card numbers with local merchants sales logs looking for purchases of dual-cassette decks between the years of 1980 and 1987.

It would also include checking for installation of file sharing software, knowledge of the Internet, and the ability to hum. Any of which would bar the purchaser from receiving his drive.

"A CD-RW can be a dangerous weapon when it falls into the wrong hands," said RIAA President Hilary Rosen,

"You wouldn't sell a gun to a convicted felon and you shouldn't sell a CD-RW drive to a Gnutella user."

"The 3 day waiting period gives us time to verify that no copyrighted material is on the purchasers hard drive and to make sure they have a membership in the Columbia House CD club."

Current owners of CD-RW drives would be required to obtain a license for use of the drive or face stiff fines.

Licenses could be obtained by enrollment at a local RIAA Education Camp where the horrors of copyright violation would be instilled with the use of electro-shock therapy.

"I was alarmed when I heard that children had the ability to burn CDs right on their computers," said Senator Strom Thurmond, "We've tried to educate parents on the dangers of children playing with fire, and now these death merchants sell them that ability in a shiny metal box."

Other Senators voiced their concerns about the possible violations of privacy in the proposed legislation, but since it was called the Copyright Patriotism Act they are unable to oppose it.

"The RIAA has gone too far this time. There are uses for CD-RW drives that don't violate RIAA copyrights like burning multiple copies of Microsoft Office for friends and neighbors," said an opponent of the legislation.

Online affair

Top Ten Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an On-Line Affair

10. Lately she sits at the computer naked.

9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.

8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.

5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software".

4. Lipstick on the mouse.

3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"

2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt.

1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear

Future factory

The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog.

The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.

New computer virus

The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: re formats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Sex offenders

Congress has sent a bill to President Bush that would set up a national database of convicted sex offenders on the Internet.

Don't we have this already? It's called MySpace.

MySpace off line

The demand for air conditioning caused a power outage in Santa Monica that crashed MySpace for 18 hours.

Law enforcement officials said it was the safest teenage girls have been in twenty years.

Florist shop

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife.

As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

Columbian

Why did a group of Columbians run away from the computer lab?

Because... The computer said, “You have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown!”

Urine Test

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Urine Test

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Dad`s Job

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Blonde Robbed

A blonde was driving home when a guy pulled her over.
The guy says, “Get out of the car and stand in this circle or something awful is going to happen to you.”

So, while the blonde is standing in the circle the guy is going through her car and transporting it to his car.
Then the blonde started laughing hysterically.
The guy asks, "Why are you laughing? The blonde ignores him and he says, “Whatever…” and continues to rob her car.

The blonde starts laughing again. "Why R U laughing again!"
She again ignores him.
Then just as the guy is about to drive away, the blonde starts laughing a third time

"Ok… that’s it… What’s your problem,” the guy shouts???

"Well, the blonde says, “When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle three times!

Blonde and Mum

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

Blonde Hair Washing

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?

A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Dogs Names

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"

The blonde replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds "Huh.. that's interesting.. why did you name them such names?"

The blonde sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??"

One Liners

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

One liner

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Heaven and Hell

Jim and Johnny die in a boating accident.
Jim goes to heaven and Johnny goes to hell.
One day Jim looks down at Johnny in hell.
Johnny has a beer in his hand and a blonde on his lap.

Jim gets pissed off, so he goes to God and says, "What is this? I think I want to go to hell.
Just look at my friend down there."

God says, "Look closer.
The beer has a hole in the bottom, and the blonde doesn't."

Counting

Question: Why can’t a blonde girl count up to 70?

Answer: Because 69's a bit of a mouthful.

Car Key

Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue:

Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!

Skipping

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

So Blonde

She was so blonde...

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.

...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".

...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

...she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

...she tried to drown a fish.

...she thought a quarterback was a refund.

...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".

...she tripped over a cordless phone.

...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius".

...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

...it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

...she studied for a blood test ...and failed.

...she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

...she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

...she sold the car for gas money.

...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.

Green Side Up

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Blonde University

The blondes at the university led by Suzy , were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo's. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.

Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."

Adult Video

RENTING A VIDEO



A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen. She got so mad and called the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called, Head Cleaner."

Thermos

A blonde lady walks into Dunkin' Donuts. She says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?"

She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos."
The blonde replies, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."

Blonde on a Rope

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.
Ten
were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, then the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all
of the blondes started
Clapping.

Blonde on an Island

On a deserted island there were three women, a blond a brunette and a redhead.
They needed to get back to the mainland and the only way was by swimming.
The redhead goes first.
She makes it a quarter of the way then drowns.
The brunette goes second.
She makes it one third of the way then drowns.
The blonde comes last.
She makes it one half of the way, gets tired and then turns back.

Blonde Selling A Car

A blonde tried to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.
" "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde,
"if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette.
"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.

Parrot

A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!"

The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?"

The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

Las Vegas Blonde

n Vegas, a blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.

She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of course the machine keeps popping out the drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning?"

Psychoanalyst visits

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry...

I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left.

The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

Bear visits a bar

A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute."

He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred.

The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, 50 cents change and strike up a conversation.

The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed 50 cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here".

The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"

Little guy drinking

This little guy is sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own business.

When all of a sudden a great big guy comes in and—bang!—knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden—bang!—the big guy knocks him down again, this time saying, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”

Deciding he’s had enough of this, the little guy gets up, brushes himself off and leaves the premises.

He’s gone for an hour before he returns and—crash!—he knocks the big guy right off his stool to the ground, where he lies unconscious.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When that big jackass comes to, you can tell him that was a tyre iron—from Target.”

Coors beer

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar.

She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool.

The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around.
Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman.

All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady.

The blonde sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar.

The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"

Obviously drunk

A completely inebriated man left a bar and was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Death in the family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued,
"My father died leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

Helga gets a beer

It was a hot day in Minnesota.

Helga hung out the washing, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some drycleaning.

"Gudness, it's hot", she mused as she walked down Main Street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "vy nodt?"

Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her what she would have.

Helga said, "Ya know, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anhauser Busch?"

Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell fine, tanks. Undt how's your pecker?"

Butchers Daughter

This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop.

One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a
liverwurst.

The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to bed.

The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left.

The customer was really annoyed; she pointed to the corner of the shop and asked, "No liverwurst?

Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"

The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in law”

Cheap Hooker

This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.

He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.

They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.

The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, Bitch, you gave me crabs!"

She replies, "Well for $10 what did you expect, Lobsters?"

Tight Pussy

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, he goes to the bar and orders three whiskys.
The cat shouts "I'm not paying"
"I know" says the man "I'm paying."

A little later he comes to the bar again, and orders three whiskeys, "I'm not paying" shouts the cat again, again the man tells him that he is paying.

The man comes to the bar a third time, and again the cat shouts "I'm not paying".
The barman intruiged by this asks the fellow,"Excuse me sir, but why have you come in here with that cat and an ostrich ?"
"Well" says the man, "Before I came in here, I met a genie who said he would grant me any wish. So I asked for a long legged bird, with a tight pussy".

Chicken

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "$20 for a good time."
The man says "okay" and goes up to the bartender. "I’d like to have a good
time," he says and pays the bartender $20. The bartender says, "walk
through that door in the back and it will be on the first door to your left."
So the man walks through the door and into the next and finds a giant chicken.
So he says what the hell," and fucks the chicken. A week later the man
walks into the same bar and sees another sign put up that says, "$40 for a
really good time." So he goes up to the bartender, pays $40 and the
bartender says "go through the door in the back, up the flight of stairs and it will be the first door on your left." So he walks through the door, up the flight of stairs and enters the room on the left and finds a group of people looking
at the floor.
As he gets closer he sees two people having sex.
He says "This is awesome!!!"
The guy next to him turns and says yeah, you should’ve been here last week, some guy was fucking a chicken.

Alligator in a Bar

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.

The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".

The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".

The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.

He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens.
After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody.
Does anyone want to try?"

After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

Ireland Declares War

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

TO FAR IN

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?/font>

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."

Beautiful Woman

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

Depressed Man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that.
This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office.
My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.
I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Smart Ass

A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wise ass. The wise ass walks up to a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?"

"Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wise ass.

"Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny.

The wise ass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!"

"Well yes it is, she answers." The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wise ass if he could try the little joke.

"Be my guest," replies Mr. Smartypants. So the drunk walks up to a likely young woman and blurts out, "Fuck you...It's raining."

Big John

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender.
The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place.
He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!!
He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"
A few weeks pass uneventfully.
But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!!
Run for your lives!!!"
When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town.
As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.
He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!"
He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half.
The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking.
He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.
As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave.
"Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"

Peanuts

A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer,
he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie."

Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty, except for himself and the
bartender at the end of the bar.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind,"
he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and
there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender.

"Say what?" replied the man in disbelief.

"You heard me," said the barkeep. "It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

Sam is dead

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Sam Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Jones," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

Jeffrey Dahmer

What's worse than the pimples on Jeffrey Dahmer's face?

The blackheads in his refridgerator.

Black and white

What is black and white and black and white and black and white and red?

A nun rolling downhill into heavy traffic.

Condom

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the comdom out the window.

His girlfriend got mad at him as she wanted to go again but that was their last condom.

So he got out of the car and went to find the condom.

He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give you a dollar."

"Well," the little boy thought, "Okay."

So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!"

Lepers playing cards

Did you hear about the lepers playing a game of cards?

One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out.

Ken Lay's cremation

Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack.

They announced they were going to cremate him... Where he's going, why bother?

Ken Lay's funeral

According to a new poll, 65% of those asked said it is sometimes okay to lie ... especially if you're giving the eulogy at Ken Lay's funeral.

At Ken Lay's funeral yesterday, the minister compared him to Martin Luther King, Jr... The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.

Hezbollah and Syria

Since the bombing began, Israel has tried to make it clear Hezbollah and Syria are to blame for Lebanon's current nightmare.

To that end, Israeli warplanes have dropped thousands of leaflets on Beirut over the last few days showing a caricature of Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah as a cobra threatening the Lebanese capital.

And really, what a great idea, because if there's anything that calms the Arab world down, it's a cartoon.

Inflatable sex doll

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?

Instead of staring at the girls in bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

Sneak in late

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.

One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.

Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

Farmer Brown

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"

"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am... some sort of queer?"

3 Breasted hooker

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...".

The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience".

So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money.

So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is.

The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life sucking and playing with them.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars.

Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday!" he says.

She smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

30 Times in a row

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Michael J. Fox Ads

Have you heard about the Michael J. Fox situation?

He's been doing ads in support of candidates who are for stem cell research.

And Rush Limbaugh attacked him and said that Michael J. Fox was off his medication when he filmed the ad, so that he'd look shakier.

He said, if he's not going to take his prescription drugs, he knows a fat drug addict who will.

Saddam footage

No one knows if Saddam is still alive or has been executed already.

They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that he is really alive.

You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

Beggars

A beggar runs into a bar and says
" bar tender , bar tender give me a tooth pick,"

now the bar tender is a bit confused and asks,
"why do u want a tooth pick?"

and the beggar just replys,
" give me the damn tooth pick"

so the bar tender gave him the tooth pick,
then another beggar comes in and also asks for a tooth pick and the bar tender gives it to him no questions asked,

then another beggar comes in and asks for a straw, the bar tender asks him,

" hey , all the other beggars wanted tooth picks, how come u want a straw?"

the beggar replys,

" well some body spewed outside and all the chunky bits are finished!"

Sperm Bank

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

Taxi Fare

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, totally naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

The driver replied, "Well, ma'am, I can't help noticing that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?"

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked,
"Got anything smaller?"

Mary

Little Mary was never good in Sunday School, so she decided to sleep through class, but one day the teacher asked her a question "Mary who created the universe?"

Mary never moved from her deep sleep, so Johnny a little boy who sits behind her in class took his pen and poked her with it and Mary jumed up and yelled "God almighty" and the techer told her it was correct.

A little while later the teacher asked her another question "Mary, who is our lord and savior?" again Mary never answered so Johnny poked her with his pen again and Mary jumps up and yells "Sweet Jesus!!"

The teacher told her it was correct so Mary went back to sleep.

The teacher asked her a 3rd question, "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?"

So one last time Johnny pokes Mary with his pen, but this time Mary jumps up and yells "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time I'm gonna break it in half!"

Oral exam

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well during the year that the teacher suggests to the principal they give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed.

The principal agrees so they called Johnny into the office and explain about the oral test.

First the teacher asks, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I only have two of?"

Johnny replies, "Legs."

So the teacher asks, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I don't have in my pants?"

"Pockets," Johnny replies.

Finally the teacher asks, "And Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"

"Rome," is his answer.

With that the teacher turns to the principal and asks, "Well, shall we pass him?"

"Better not ask me," the principal says, "I got the first two wrong!"

Just do it

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, 'Come fly the friendly skies'?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, 'Don't leave home without it'?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now Johny, tell me which company bears the slogan, 'Just do it'?"

And Johny answered, "Mom."

Prediction

"Can people predict the future with cards?" Suzie asked Little Johnny.

"My mother can," said Johnny.

"Really?"

"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."

Two pieces of cake

Johnny : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?

Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Goldfish

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

Little Johny : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

Going to the Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy really liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Cockroach

There once was a third grader named Little Johnny. Every time the teacher would say something, Little Johnny would say, "How about that!"

One day, the teacher said, "And then George Washington crossed the Delaware."

Little Johnny said, "How about that!"

The teacher told Little Johnny, "If you say that one more time, you are going out into the hall, mister!"

To that, Little Johnny replied, "Well, how about that!"

Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Little Johnny into the halland said, "While you're out here, I want you to write a poem to tell the class."

Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Little Johnny and said, "Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem."

Little Johnny said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall. How about that!"

The teacher said, "That's fine, Little Johnny, but I want you to leave the cockroach out."

She took him back into the classroom and announced that Little Johnny had a poem for the class.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "As I stood in the hall, I saw a roach go up the wall with his cock out. How about that!"

Not my boots

It was the usual muddy day in the country. The first grade teacher, 'Miss Brown', had just finished putting the 36th boot on the 18th pair of little feet and was anxious to finish the last pair so she could go to lunch.

The last pair of boots was for little Johnny.

Miss Brown had a very difficult time getting his boots on as they were a bit too small for his growing feet, but she finally won the battle.

To her dismay, little Johnny looked blandly up into her face and announced, "Teacher, these boots aren't mine." In a hurry, but wanting to be kind, Miss Brown groaned, but with grim gentleness removed the boots and straightened her aching back.

Whereupon Johnny continued, "They're my little brother's, but Mommy said I could wear them to school today."

Cheating

Bob and Jonny sat next to each other taking a test. When they finished, the teacher called them up to the front of the room and said, "Boys, I will have to give both of you a zero on this test"

"W-why?" they wanted to know, though Jonny was shifting uncomfortably.

She said, "Your answers were too nearly alike. One of you cheated and the other one let him do it."

"What makes you think we cheated?" Bob asked. "That could have been a coincidence."

The teacher said, "I might have believed that if it wasn't for the fact that when you came to question #10, Bob wrote in 'I don't know' for the answer, and you, Jonny, put 'Me neither'!"

Misbehaving

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

Rummaging

Young Johny never quite got over his miserable childhood as an orphan in the ghetto.

When he turned 18 he joined the Marines, but old habits die hard and one night the sergeant found him rummaging around the garbage and eating
out of the discarded cans and jars.

"On your free, Lizard Pecker," he bellowed... "You'll eat in
the mess hall!... you're no better than the rest of us!"

School photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out belonging to little Johnny, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Insolent

Little Johnny was on the carpet in the Principal's office. "I'm getting rather tired of seeing you in here," said the Principal. "What is it this time?"

"Nothing, sir," said the indignant young scholar, "I was only doing what Mr. Jackson told me to do."

"Really?" said the Principal with a sigh. "Are you sure you weren't being insolent again?"

"No, sir." Johnny replied. "Mr. Jackson got all upset when I was explaining why I hadn't done my homework and he asked me, 'Do I look stupid?' ... So I told him!"

Maths test

Little Jonny walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Jonny, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?"

Dad nodded.

"Well, the good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."

Little Johnny

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

A B C`s

One day there was this little boy named Johny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.

Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to piss can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwords

He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"

Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"

Then she said "Where is the p."

Lil Johny said "Running down my leg."

Itchy Penis

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She goes back to find out what's up.

He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.

The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.

Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.
"I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so there's a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, "Don't fight with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

Animal Game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.

The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands.

"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses.

"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

New watch

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

Letter to God

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted."Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Johny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.

Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny

Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny
was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go church.

"Just be home in time for dinner", his mother said.

Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.

He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO

Mother in law dies

A man, his wife, and his mother in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Jonny's goldfish

Little Jonny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Jonny?"

"My goldfish died," replied Jonny tearfully, without looking
up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Jonny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"

Ticket please

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."

Trip to Rome

A New York woman was at her East Side hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome with her boyfriend.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who responded, "Why would anyone want to go to Rome? It's crowded and dirty and, worse yet, full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome."

"So how are you getting there?"

"We're flying Continental," was the reply. We got a good rate."

"Continental," exclaimed the hairdresser, "that's a terrible airline. Their planes are old. Their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late."
"So, where are you staying in Rome?", asked the hairdresser.

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left side called Teste...."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive but it's really a dump - the worst hotel in the whole city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're way overpriced."
"So, whatcha doing when you get there?", quizzed the hairdresser.

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we are hoping to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser, "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're sure going to need it."

A month later, the woman, all smiling, came in for her hair appointment. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was absolutely wonderful," explained the woman, "not only did we arrive on time in one of Continental's brand new jets but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year old steward who waited on me hand and foot."

"And the hotel - it was fabulous! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's just a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge"

"Well, muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope.

"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Holy Father walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the hairdresser, "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where did you get that crappy hairdo?"

Crawling back home

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night.

The bartender came up to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.

He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell again right on his face.

So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Guillotine

During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor, and the third was an engineer.

The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine.

The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.

The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down.

Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.

At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up. Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"

Crowded elevator

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly... "I did."

Beer brewers

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."