Shamepain

Scene: Ajeet comes to know about the traitor in his gang.

Ajeet: Raabert, ise ShamePain mein daal tho, agar Shame se nahi mara to Pain se mar jayega.

Test Match

Ajeet: Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?

Raabert: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.

Ajeet: Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana.

Raabert: Yes Boss.

Ajeet: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare kabze mein hai .......

Hamara Mehman

Scene: Ajeet spots one of his is enemies...

Ajeet: Maikal, woh jo admi ghadi pahne tumhe nazar aarahaa hai, woh hamara mehman hai. Tum ja kar uske doosre hath mein bhee gadhi pahna do...phir woh do ghadi ka mehman ho jayega !

India Bids For Channel Tunnel

When tenders were floated for the channel tunnel to connect England & France, many international building companies vied with one another to get the contract. The stakes were very high; the job of digging building expertise. Tenders were opened by the Board of Directors of the Anglo-French corporation which had taken on the project. British builders' estimates were over 200 million dollar, each; French & German builders were marginally lower.
There was one from India: Singh & Singh Builders whose estimate was only 5 million dollars. The Board was for ignoring the Indian tender but out of curiosity invited Singh & Singh over to discuss the plans.
Banta Singh & Santa Singh of Singh & Singh Builders appeared before the Board.
The Chairman asked them "Have you any experience of undertaking this kind of work?"
"Indeed we have," replied the two Singhs, "we bored a lot of tubewells in the Punjab & Haryana. We can bore holes anywhere."
"This is not as simple. How will you connect the tunnel from the English side to the French?" "Simple," replied Santa Singh, "Banta Singh will dig from the French end & I from the English."
The Chairman was flabbergasted. "You don't realise that it will need a lot of accurate calculation to get the two tunnels to meet at the same point under the channel. Other companies' estimates are over 200 million dollars each & you think you can do the same job for 5 million dollars. How will that be possible?"
"What is bothering you?" demanded Singh & Singh, "if our two tunnels don't meet, instead of one we will give you two tunnels.

Varnish Mein Daal Do

Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy

Ajeet: "Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur finish bhi aa jaayegi.

Nurse At Lunatic Asylum

A Haryanavi youth spied a pretty girl at the bus stand. Since no one was around, he tried to use a tone of familiarity, "Jaan-e-man - my heart's desire," he addressed her, "aisee laagey sai, aap ko pehley kahin dekha sai." "Jaroor deykha sai - you must have seen me," replied the lady, "I am a nurse at the lunatic asylum."

Sense Of Humour

Winston Churchill & Abraham Lincoln are both famous for their wit & superb sense of humour. Once they happened to meet on a staircase which was not wide enough for both of them to pass. Churchill stood in the middle of it & said to Lincoln, "I don't give way to a fool." Lincoln promptly stepped aside, allowing Churchill to move & replied, "Well but I do, your excellency."

Parcel Post

Mrs Banta knitted a sweater & sent it to her husband by parcel post. With it she sent the following note: 'I have removed the buttons as they are too heavy & would add to the price of postage. You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater.'

Maruti Car Factory

A KHADDAR-clad Central Minister visited the Maruti car factory. The manager went out of the way to show him around & at the end of the tour, offered the Minister a free car. 'Oh, no,' said the Minister, 'I cannot accept it.' 'In that case I'll sell it to you for Rupees five hundred.' The Minister handed the Manager two five-hundred rupee notes: 'In that case, I'll have two.'

Still in service^
Ram Lal died while still in service. The department head was good enough to give his widow employment, the gratuity due to her late husband & clear his insurance claims. She was able to buy & equip a new flat with a colour TV, fridge & furniture. Her son asked how she had been able to manage all this luxury. 'All due to the kindness of your father,' she replied.

Briefing A Group

A ranger was briefing a group of walkers in a park:
"It is possible," he warned, "that we will encounter a grizzly bear.
However, as grizzlies usually avoid contact with humans, I suggest you attach small bells to your backpacks to signal your approach & give the bears time to retreat.
If you do see any grizzly bear droppings," he added, "leave the area at once."
"But how will we know if they are bear droppings?" asked one walker.
"Easy," replied the ranger.
"Grizzly bear droppings are full of small bells."

Their Usual Quarrels

Once a couple had one of their usual quarrels as a consequence of which all conversation between them stopped. Unfortunately the husband was to attend his office very early the next morning. So he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me up tomorrow morning," and kept it beside his wife's pillow. His wife read it and went to sleep. He woke up very late the next morning and got very angry. He looked ferociously at his wife, but she calmly pointed towards his pillow. Under his pillow he found a piece of paper. On it was written, "Please wake up, it is 6 o'clock now."

Chatting At Beach

While chatting at the beach, the lovers spoke to each other:

female : Oh! my dear, we are lovers for more than three years now.

Have you not thought about our marriage?

If I regret, will you feel bad?

male : I will discuss this matter with my wife and let you know
tomorrow.

female : [without any shock or surprise, replied calmly] You are also
married!

male : "...."

Towards Window?

Lecturer: The lecturer is taking the class seriously.

One of the student looking towards the window side in the class room. The lecturer asks the student "For what purpose you are coming to the school?"

Student: For vidhya sir(In Telugu Vidhya means Education).

Lecturer: Then why you are looking towards window?

Student: Vidhya(Girl friend) has not come upto now sir.

Laloo Prasad Hosting

Laloo Prasad was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state.

Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very ineficient," he stated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"

After having their 11th child, Laloo & Rabri decided that was enough. So then Laloo went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a Diwali bomb, light it, put it in a empty Coke can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

Laloo said to the doctor, "I'm the smartest man in Bihar, but I don't see how putting a Diwali atom bomb in a Coke can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." So the couple drove to Delhi to get a second opinion. The Delhi physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed by their Medical records that they were from Bihar.

This doctor instead told Laloo to go home and get a Diwali atom bomb, light it, place it in a Coke can and hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians knew what they were talking about and couldn't be wrong, Laloo went home, lit a atom bomb, put it in a coke can.

He held it up to his ear and began to count with his fingers on his left hand : "1,2,3, 4,5" At which point he paused, placed the coke can between his legs and resumed counting on the other hand.

Be Sure

You can be sure the person is Sardar when he:

- Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.

- Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.

- Thinks socialism means partying.

- Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

- At the bottom of the application where it says, "Sign here" he puts "Sagittarius."

- Sells the car for gas money.

- Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.

- Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.

A Minister And A Mad

Once a Minister went to the Agra Mental Asylumto see the condition of the mad people kept there. He saw that some mad people had gone from bad to worse and some mad people were improving.

After inspecting some mad people he came to a corner and saw one person who was sitting rather quietly. He went to him and asked him how are you and that person calmly replied I am fine and asked "What about you Sir".

The Minister was quite surprised at the reply. The Minister asked him many questions about General knowledge and to his surprise the mad man answered them all right.

The surprised Minister told him,"you dont seem to be mad then why are you kept here.

The person replied,"kya kare sahab majburi hai".

The minister took out a cigarette packet and took one cigarette and gave the packet to the lunatic. He took out all the cigarettes and peeled the paper cover off and took out all the tobacco and put it on his head and asked the minister for a lighter.

The minister gave him a lighter. He burnt the tobacco on his head, opened his pajamas and asked the Minister,"Sahab Hukkah Peeyenge".

Be Sure

You can be sure the person is Sardar when he:

- Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.

- Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.

- Thinks socialism means partying.

- Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

- At the bottom of the application where it says, "Sign here" he puts "Sagittarius."

- Sells the car for gas money.

- Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.

- Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.

A Minister And A Mad

Once a Minister went to the Agra Mental Asylumto see the condition of the mad people kept there. He saw that some mad people had gone from bad to worse and some mad people were improving.

After inspecting some mad people he came to a corner and saw one person who was sitting rather quietly. He went to him and asked him how are you and that person calmly replied I am fine and asked "What about you Sir".

The Minister was quite surprised at the reply. The Minister asked him many questions about General knowledge and to his surprise the mad man answered them all right.

The surprised Minister told him,"you dont seem to be mad then why are you kept here.

The person replied,"kya kare sahab majburi hai".

The minister took out a cigarette packet and took one cigarette and gave the packet to the lunatic. He took out all the cigarettes and peeled the paper cover off and took out all the tobacco and put it on his head and asked the minister for a lighter.

The minister gave him a lighter. He burnt the tobacco on his head, opened his pajamas and asked the Minister,"Sahab Hukkah Peeyenge".

Survey

An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women with the question:

Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

1% said, "No"

2% said, "Yes"

97% said, "Never Again"

Clinton And Pope At Pearly Gates

Bill Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up on the part of Yama, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.

The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.

The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, the Pope met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem!

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Why is that? It's not that great.

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Sorry, your Holiness -- but you're about a day late

Brand New Cycle

Banta shows up at his friend Santa Singh’s place in a Brand New Cycle - Lady Bird.

Santa: Wow Banta, Where did you get the cycle, from?

Banta: I was walking on the highway when a beautiful lady came in this cycle and asked me -"want a ride Mr. Singh?"

I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr. Singh. take anything"

Santa is quite excited and asks "What did you do Santa?"

Banta: I took the cycle.

Santa: good show - you wouldn’t have fit into her clothes!

Bengali Jokes

What do you call an enlightened Bengali? Jyoti Basu.

What do you call a talkative Bengali? Bolbol Chatterjee.

What do you call an outlawed Bengali? Bonduk Bannerjee.

What do you call a dark Bengali in a dark cave? Kalidas Guha.

When does the Bengali sound like a dog? When he bharks (works). (which is rarely!

A Bengali Peeping Tom? ...Key holo

Malayalee Jokes

What do you call an amazing Malayalee? Pheno Menon.

What do you call a dashing Malayalee? Debo Nair.

Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral? Four to carry the coffin, one to carry the two-in-one.

What do you call a Malayalee drunkard? Kutty Sark.

Why did the Malayalee cross the road? To join the union on the other side.

Ek Bar Ek Showroom Mein

Ek bar ek showroom mein salesman ke liye interview ho rahe the. Ek ladka bhi interview dene ayaa. Ladke ko angrezi aati nahin thi, to usko manager ne reject kar diya.

Ladke ne manager se kaha, aapko sale se matlab hona chahiye angrezi se kya? Aap mujhe chance dein, agar sale badh jaye to salary dena nahi to hata dena. Manager ko baat janch gayi. Ladke ko Naukari par rakh liya gaya.

Phir kya tha, doosare din se hi sale dugani, teesare din tiguni aurr daily sale badne lagi. Showroom ke malik ko pata laga, usne manager se kaha, is naye ladke se mujhe milna hai.

Maalik showroom par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bech raha tha. Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa. Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. Customer ne kaha kitne rupaye,ladka bola Rs.800/-. yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? Ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye, customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye. Ab ladke ne kaha talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharido? Lijiye to theek rehega, customer ne cap bhi kharid li.

Ab ladke ne kaha, machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch eatables, wafer, biscuits, bhi le jayiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid liye. Ladka bola machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan? Yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid li. Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/-

Malik bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa tha aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good.

Ladka bola, woh aadmi to"Carefree sanitary pack" kharidane ayaa tha, maine kaha, char din tu ghar par kya karega, Machli pakadne chale jao.

Ek Pathan

Ek pathan Cycle chalate aur gungunate howe kahin ja raha tha rastae mein ek aurat se takra betha. Aurat chilla kar boli, “Break nahi maar sakte they kya ???”

Pathan herat se… “Pora cycle mar deya abhi break mar kar kia faida.”

Samne tha Bus Stop

A policeman caught a Pathan driver stopping the bus at the road and began asking questions:

Policeman: “Tumne bich road pe bus Kyun rok di?”

Pathan: Hum seher mein naya aaya hai magar Kanoon nahi torta! Woh samne dekho likha hai “Bus Stop” Toh humne rok diya

saas bahu cartoon

Saas: Khuda ne tumhe do aankhe di hai, Chawal se patthar nahi nikal sakti kya?

Bahu: Khuda ne tumhe battis daant diye hai do char 2-4 patthar nahi chabba sakti kya!!!

Benefits of a Marriage

On their 40th Wedding Anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Mike was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Mike, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Mike responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness .... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Free Trip To Europe

A young man was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Wise Suggestion

A man had a blown tyre next to an asylum. While changing the tyre, he noticed a patient leaning over the wall looking at what he was doing with keen interest. Before he could replace the wheel, he realised that all four screws had rolled down the slope, dropped into the drain and could not be retrieved.

While pondering what to do, the patient suggested that he took out one screw from each of the other wheels to fix on the last wheel. In this way he would be able to drive to the nearest gas station to have his problems fixed.

The man was naturally impressed and complimented the patient for his wise suggestion. The patient replied, "It's nothing, actually. You see, I may be mad, but I am not stupid!"

Husband and Wife Letters

Here are two letters sent by both the Husband and then followed by the Wife on its reply, extremely witty, and definitely gets the message across ... read on.

Husband writes this letter to his wife :

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses ...
You are my sweetheart.

Your husband,
Alex.

After a few days the Wife replies to the letter :

Dearest Sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1) The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2) The Electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3) Your house owner is coming everyday and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4) Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ...

5) Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!

Your Sweet Heart.

Husband and Wife Letters

Here are two letters sent by both the Husband and then followed by the Wife on its reply, extremely witty, and definitely gets the message across ... read on.

Husband writes this letter to his wife :

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses ...
You are my sweetheart.

Your husband,
Alex.

After a few days the Wife replies to the letter :

Dearest Sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1) The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2) The Electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3) Your house owner is coming everyday and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4) Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ...

5) Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!

Your Sweet Heart.

World's Greatest Golfer

A golfer was playing a round of golf when he came across a bottle. When he touched the bottle a genie appeared and offered him one of two choices. He could either become the world's greatest golfer or the world's greatest lover. He picked to be the world's greatest golfer.

The golfer went on to shoot a round in the low 50's. When he finished the genie asked, "It's really none of my business, but why did you pick golf over sex?"

The golfer replied, "I do pretty well with the ladies, but I never was much of a golfer". The genie continued, "Well, just out of curiosity, how often do you have sex?" The golfer replied, "Oh, I guess once or twice a month".

Somewhat surprised the genie said, "That doesn't sound like the world's greatest lover".

The golfer replied, "Maybe not, but it's not bad for a priest in a small town"

Run Faster

A nun ran back into the convent and in between panted breaths, she told the mother superior that she was accosted by a man in a dark alley.

"My dear child," the mother superior blurted out, "what did he do?"

"He dropped his trousers."

"Oh no!" exclaimed the mother superior.

"Oh, yes," said the nun.

"Then what happened?" the old mother superior wanted to know. "Then I pulled up my skirt."

"You didn't!" the mother superior was utterly shocked.

"I did just that," the nun said. Then she continued, "I figured I could run faster with my skirt up than he could with his trousers down.

Getting Noticed

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. After a couple of sips he looked up and saw a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He called the bartender over and said he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender said, "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian."

The man took a second, thought it over, shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's okay, I'd like to buy her a drink anyway."

So the bartender brought the woman her drink. The woman lifted her glass and gave our hero a nod of thanks. Encouraged, he got up from his bar stool and sauntered over to the woman. As he was sitting down on the stool next to her, he asked, "So, which part of Lesbia are you from?"

Doctor's Help Needed

An Indian brave rode into town one early evening, kicking up a hail of dust behind him. Very quickly, he jumped down from his horse and rushed into the doctor's office.

"Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!" he blurted out in between panted breaths. The doctor calmed him down and handed him two tablets for his chief to take before bedtime. "He will be all right first thing tomorrow morning," the doctor assured the young brave.

The next evening, the same brave rode into town again with the same complaint, "Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!". This time the doctor gave him four tablets for his chief to take before bedtime.

And again, the same thing happened the following evening. The brave rushed into the doctor's office and yelled, "Big Chief, no shit!". This time, in exasperation, the doctor pushed the whole bottle of tablets to the brave and instructed that his chief take them at one go before bedtime.

Yet again, the following evening saw the same brave rushing into the doctor's office. "What now?". The doctor asked the brave. "Big shit, no Chief," the brave screamed.

Bus Stop Lesson

This is a story about a husband and wife who are waiting at a nearby bus stop with their nine children. Shortly afterwards, a blind man joins them and decides to wait for the bus as well. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded with passengers and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk to their intended destination. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is really driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Greatest Wish

Once there was this woman who was very flat across the upper body. She went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. Every night she cried and prayed for them to get larger. After several days of this, during one praying session, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared before her. With some magic words of liffiday-loffiday, balsshac, etc, she announced that the woman's breasts will grow an inch each time somebody said, 'pardon' to her. Then with a flash and the smell of potent magic smoke, the fairy godmother left.

Of course, the lady wanted to try out her godmother's spell immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and seeing a passerby, purposely collided with him and she promptly fell to the ground.

"Oh, pardon me. I'm sorry, are you alright?" the passerby said. "No, I'm fine," she replied hurriedly as she felt some tingling sensations on her breasts. She ran back to her apartment and checked herself. True enough, her breasts had grown by an inch!

At work, the following morning, she contrived to bump into the manager and spilt her coffee into her lap. "Pardon me! ... ," the manager said. She quickly replied, "It's alright ..." and ran into the bathroom and gleefully examined her breasts. She was delighted!

That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. As she sat there, a clumsy waiter passed by, tripped and spilt some aromatic dishes on her table. He said, "Oooooff!!," and after catching his balance, he turned to the woman with profuse apologetic intentions and said, "A thousand pardons!!"

Travelling Nuns

A bus load of nuns was travelling to see the Pope, and they had to make an overnight stop at a small inn on the way. The inn was nearly full, but there was enough room for the nuns if they went two to a room.

One couple had to share a double bed in a room. One of these two nuns turned to the other who was sharing with her and said, "Can I be frank with you? I'm a lesbian; I hope that doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable."

The other nun said back, "No - but if you're Frank tonight, can I be Frank tomorrow

Hindi Adult Joke

ट्रेन में पत्नी पती से बोली - आज हमारी शादी की सालगिरह है कुछ करो ना पती - तुमने देखा नही सामने क्या लिखा है?पत्नी - नही क्या?पती- लिखा है चलती ट्रेन में चढना मना है

एक बार एक छोटा बच्चा मस्ती करते करते अपने पैरेंट्स के कमरे में चला गया वहाँ पर उसने जो देखा वो देख के बच्चा चमक गया और जोर से चिल्लाया...मम्मी खुद को देखो और मुझे सिर्फ आंगूठा चूसने पे मारती हों

मल्लिका शेरावत ने केमिस्ट से पूछा - 15 इंच का कॉंडम है ?केमिस्ट - हाँ है ना कितने दू ?मल्लिका शेरावत - अभी नही , कोई उसे लेने आए तो मुझे कॉल करना

सरदार - ये रोज रोज कॉंडम लगाने का क्या चक्कर है, मै तो परेशान हों गया हूँ सरदारनी - तुम लेमिनेशन क्यू नही करवा लेते???


एक आदमी ने बडे ही मूड में वेटर से कहा यार वेटर एक सेक्सी चाय पिला दे ....वेटर - सॉरी सर लेकिन हमारे यहाँ चाय गाय के दूध की बनती है बिपाशा के नही

Never Argue With A Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"Well, you're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"For reading a book?" she replies.

"Ma'am, you're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again.

"I'm really sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, yes, I know, but the way I look at it, you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start fishing at any moment. So, I'll have to take you in and write you up Ma'am."

"Well, if you do that, I'll charge you with sexual assault!" says the woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left.

Three Businessmen In A Sauna

Three businessmen, an Australian, Indian and a Japanese, were sitting naked in a sauna. All of a sudden, there was a beeping sound. The Indian businessman immediately pressed his forearm and the sound of the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager" he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand."

The Aussie guy felt decidedly low tech at that moment, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Aussie finally said ......."Oh, will you look at that!! I'm getting a fax ..."

Name in English

man goes for a job interview.

Interviewer : "Can you please write your name for me in English,

here on this paper"

The man writes his name and passes the piece of paper back to the

interviewer.

Interviewer : "Are you sure this is your name?"


Man : "Of course I am sure that this is my name"

Interviewer " So your name is....PRETTY RED KNICKERS?"

Man : "Well sir, you told me to write my name in English, but in

Punjabi my name is SUNDAR LAL CHADHA."

Man

"Man can fly like birds, sing like cuckoos, dance like peacocks, swim like fishes! Unfortunately... Man cannot live like a MAN!

Every morning

Every morning u have two choices!

Continue your sleep with Dreaming.

Or

Wake up and Chase your Dreams

Choice is yours!

first prisoner

first prisoner:What were you convicted for?
Second prisoner:Nothing.
First prisoner:Honestly...for nothing.I stole a wallet, but there was nothing in it?

Santa

Santa:Mujhe phone par dhamkiya mil rahi hai.
Police: kaun woh?
Santa: BSNL wale, bolte hai bill nahi bhara to kaat denge

Ponderings

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

Kofi Annan's New Year's UN Resolutions

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper beard more. Apply for US citizenship. Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony! Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.
Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"
Make the UN more bureaucratish. Write resolution to write more resolutions condemning the rogue state of Luxembourg. Talk to US President more in broader terms -
"African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.
Finally count out Third World dues change jar. Resolve to cut the word Secretary from title.
General Annan catchier. Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB. Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks. Make sure diplomatic immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that smoking broad Condi. Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!

Marvin

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.

One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting.

After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town.

When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.

Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand?

A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink.

Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?"

Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."

Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

Ponderings collection 39

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Do You Believe

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. They are standing before God, seated on his throne.

God asks Al: "What do you believe?"

Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."

God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"

Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."

God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."

Firecracker Pancakes

On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

Be More Polite

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"

Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."

Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?"

Wrong Mushroom

From Reuters News Service:

Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms. They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.

Her Technique

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right.

The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club.' When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to the next problem. How do we get that golf club out of your mouth?"

Dinner Guests

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

Annoying Your Waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

It Isn't Cherry

Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:

A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.

Advanced Photons Don't Taste That Good

In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.

Tomato Family

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Roast Beef And Pea Soup

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Eveybody can roast beef.

Driving Blonde

One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''

Stuck In The Room

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Blonde Phone Call

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your
other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Best Job A Blonde Has Ever Had

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

Pillsbury Dough Boy and a Blonde

what do you get when you cross the pillsbury douhg boy with a blonde??a whiney bitch with a yeast infection

Little Johnny's Teacher

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

The Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Police Station Field Trip

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Math Teacher

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

Cold Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The Experiment

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded...
"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!

Little Johnny's Duck

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Johnny, how many times have you see a red duck?"

Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Daddy's Car in the Woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the
rigs."

Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

Little Johnny on Getting Older

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own F&$%ING business."

Little Johnny at the Firehall

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

Little Johnny's Little Brother

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"

Little Johnny's Church

Little Johnny's mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church", with their three kittens.

He had the kittens sitting in a row, and he was preaching to them.

She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the kittens in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! Those kittens are afraid of water!"

Johnny looked at her and said... "They should have thought about that, before they joined my church."

Little Johnny - Homework

"Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?"

The father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right."

"That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "but you could at least give it a try, couldn't you?"

Little Johnny - The Wristwatch

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

'Did you get that for your birthday?' asked Little Johnny.

'Nope,' replied Jimmy.

'Well, did you get it for Christmas then?'

Again Jimmy says, 'Nope.'

'You didn't steal it, did you?' asks Little Johnny.

'No,' said Jimmy. 'I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, 'What do you want now?'

'I wanna watch,' Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, 'Fine. Stand in the corner, but keep quiet.'

Little Johnny Got a F in Math

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f&%#ing difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

Little Johnny, the Smart Ass

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year-old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the f&%# do you think?"

Little Johnny wants a new Bicycle

Little Johnny went to his mother demanding a new bicycle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he acts. She said, "Well Johnny, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead."

After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus.

Dear Jesus,
I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle.
Your Friend,
Johnny

Now Johnny knew that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (a brat). So he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try.

Dear Jesus,
I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle.
Yours truly,
Johnny

Well, Johnny knew this wasn't totally honest so he tore it up and tried again.

Dear Jesus,
I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle?
Johnny

Well Johnny looked deep down in his heart, which by the way was what his mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running out of the house. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considered his actions.

He finally found himself in front of a Catholic church. Johnny went inside and knelt down, looking around, not knowing what he should really do. Johnny finally got up and began to walk out the door and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a statue of the Virgin Mary and ran out the door.

He went home, hit the statue under his bed and wrote this letter:

Jesus,
I've got your mum. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike.

You know who

Little Johnny and Class Trivia

It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity.

She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today."

Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get outta here."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."

The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You may go."

Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!"

The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go."

Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had answered first.

Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, "John Kennedy!" and the teacher said, "That's right, Nancy. you may go."

Now Johnny was furious!

The teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

Little Johnny's Assignment

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

History Lesson - Little Johnny

Little Johnny was in class while the teacher was giving an oral quiz on History. "Who said 'Give me liberty or give me death'" started the teacher. No one answered.

Finally a little Japanese exchange student piped in: "Patrick Henry, 1776"

The teacher was a little miffed that an exchange student would answer and her American students couldn't.

So she tried again: "Four score and seven years ago..." and again no one answered until the little Japanese girl replied: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".

Again the teacher was miffed. So the teacher gave a challenge, the next right answer would get the rest of the day off.

"F&%# THE JAPS!" was yelled from the back of the room.

"Who said that?!!" screamed the teacher.

Little Johnny replied proudly, "Gen. Douglas McArthur, 1941. See you tomorrow!"

Little Johnny in Biology Class

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "F&%# OFF!", the dog ate him!"

Little Johnny And Bugs

LittleJohnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.

His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said,"Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

Little Johnny - A Day At the Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

Little Johnny the Fireman

A man walking on the sidewalk noticed Little Johnny was a block ahead wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large black Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Little Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Little Johnny's Dreams

One night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Uncle Bill died. He woke up and that evening, his dad got a call saying that Uncle Bill died. The next night, Little Johnny went to sleep and dreamt his Aunt Joy died. He woke up, and then that evening, his dad got a call saying that Aunt Joy died. He told his daddy, "Two days ago, I had a dream Uncle Bill died, and then yesterday, I had a dream Aunt Joy died.

His dad said, "that's just a coincidence."

The next morning he tells his dad, "I had a dream that my dad died."

His dad was terrified. He had the worst day at work and took every precaution. He didn't eat any of the food in case of food poisoning, and he drove slowly in case of a car wreck. When he finally got home, Little Johnny's mom asks him how his day at work was. "Much more horrible than your day I'm sure," his dad replied.

"I don't know," said his mom, "The milkman dropped dead on the front porch today!

Little Johnny and Multiplication

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.

"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"

"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

Little Johnny's Magazine

One day Little Johnny's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him,

"Well what should we do about this?"

Little Johnny's dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him.

Little Johnny and the Word Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just #$&#*&^# beautiful!

Little Johnny Going To Heaven

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Six feet under!", yelled Little Johnny.

Little Johnny and The Great Lakes

Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?"

You know Johnny, he is always fast with an answer, and he pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named."

Little Johnny and Babies

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

Little Johnny's Report Card

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Accountants And Engineers On A Train

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Freshmen Vs. Seniors

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.

Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.

Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.

Freshman: Calls the professor "Teacher."
Senior: Calls the professor "Bob."

Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Senior: Drives to class if it's more than three blocks away.

Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Senior: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.

Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.
Senior: Has own personal workstation.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professors
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last night

Freshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group house

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

Lesson In English

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Jimmy Poole

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."

Step, Step, Roar!

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was just being the Ring Bear!"

Little Billy And Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto theroad." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on
his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly anymoral to his story. Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he'sbeen drinking."

Johny Fuckhauer

It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact
that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told
by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be none of that kind of
thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS
Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you
don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went
across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and
directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"replied a little kid
from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"