Blonde The Builder

Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?!” “Whoa! Don’t yell!” the blonde on the ladder explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blonde’s get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”

Cigarette Condoms

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” – and they say “we’re saving it for later!”

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”

The Blonde Painter

An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Milk Bath For Beauty

An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.

When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, “Yes ma’am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it Pasteurized?”

The blonde replied, “Nope, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.”

A Blonde’s Flight To Chicago

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

Dumb BlondeThe blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

New Husband

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it’s a mitzvah to have sex.”

So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.”

So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it’s a mitzvah to have sex.” So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather says after praying it’s a mitzvah to have sex.”

So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, “So how is the new husband?”

She replies, “Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family.”

---

Boss's Boss

Sam is a servant boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water). Sam as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank.

However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky. When the Boss came backed and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Sam as thief!!! At that same moment Sam realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen. The Boss told his wife that "Cherished, you will see, he will be obliged to acknowledge ". He shouted: "Sam!". Sam answered: "Yes, Boss". "Who drank my pastis?" No answer. The Boss reiterated his question: still no answer. Then the Boss went to find Sam in the kitchen and says to him: "You insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "Sam reported that "It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't understand anything at all, except the name "

Then to prove that Sam lies, the Boss says to him: "You stay beside Madam, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question ". Sam accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Sam shouted: "Boss". He answered: "Yes, Sam". Sam continued: "Who goes at the maid bedroom when the Madam is not there?" No answer. Sam shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?" No answer. Third time: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?" The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says "Sam: It is true, you are right, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name".

Who Is The Boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The Brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Russins´s wish

One day a Russian man was walking along a small alleyway of Moscow. As he was walking, he accidentally kicked over a dirty can, and to his amazement a genie popped out. The genie said
"You have one wish, what will the wish be?"
After thinking for a while, the man was ready to say his wish.
"I wish that I could pee vodka."
"How you wish,"the genie said, and was gone.

The man was so excited that he rushed home and took out a shot glass. He then peed into the glass, and looked at it. It was very clear, and did not look like pee. Then he took a small sip, and lo and behold, it was the best vodka he had ever tasted.

That night he called his wife over and took out two shot glasses, and did his business in them. The wife was very reluctant to drink it, but when she did, she was amazed, and they drunk far into the night. Eventually getting it on with each other.

The next night they did the same.

The third night, the man only took out one glass. The woman asked him why he only took out one, and his response was...

"Tonight, my dear lady, you drink straight from the bottle!"

Viagra Side Effects

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

A Donkey Joke

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy.

Many tried, all failed. Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his.

Sleepy Mary

Mary was in Sunday School but she didn't get enough sleep so one day her Teacher thought she could get Mary's attention by asking her a question

"Mary who is Jesus Christ's father?"
Mary didn't answer so her friend Jimmy poked her in the butt with a pencil and
Mary says. GOD!!!
and she falls back asleep and her teacher noticed and came back and asked her
"Who is our Lord and Savior?"
and then Jimmy pokes her in the butt again and Mary yells Jesus Christ and falls back alseep and then the teacher comes back and asked
"What did Eve say too Adam after the had their 23rd child?"
so yet again Jimmy pokes her in the butt and yells IF YOU KEEP POKING ME IM GOING TOO BREAK IT IN HALF!!!

In the same Room

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he xclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket!"

Sex On The Beach

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.

"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

Fiscal Policy

2007 Tax Code

The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is

due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1%
of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed
according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

Oral awakening

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

How To Enlarge Breasts

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks..

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

A Confession

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.


The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.

The result of anal sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?".....

Cruise on the Pacific

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After awhile, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.....

Grab my breasts

She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GET TING SCREWED!

Skin transplant surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Irish prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

Blonde Teacher

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"Are you ok?" she says

"Yes" he replied.

"You do know that you can go and play with the other kids", she says.

"Its best I stay here" he said.

"But why?" says the blonde.

The boys says
"Because I'm the f#cking goalie"

The flying dick

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had screwed around on her. She proceeded to cut his penis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window.

The penis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared."

Her father said, "Don't worry honey, it was only a bug."

His daughter said, "Wow, that bug really had a huge dick!"

Serious Swimming

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 8 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied:

"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.

Poor Bablu & Pappu

There is a classroom of some small children (5-7yrs),

With a genius boy ( Bablu ) and a smart one (Pappu).

The dialogue between the two and the teacher goes something like this:

Bablu: "Teacher, teacher! Is Bus male or female?

Teacher : Thinking.... ...

Pappu: "Teacher, teacher! It is female"

Bablu : "Kyon?"

Pappu: "Kyon ki sab log uspe chadte hain."

Teacher is pareshan. While Bablu gets in doubt.

Bablu: "Agar bus female hai aur sab uspe chadte hain to uske bacche kyon nahin hote?"

Teacher is more pareshan.

Pappu: "Kyon ki sab us par peeche se chadte hain."

Teacher is now hiding her face.Bablu gets another doubt.

Bablu: "Maana sabhi peeche se chadte hain, but driver aur conductor to aagay se chadte hain. Phir bachche kyon nahin hote?"

Teacher is sweating as it is getting too much to handle.

Pappu replies : "Kyon ki who dono topi pehanke chadte hain."

Teacher faints !!!!!!!

Superheros

One day Superman was feeling horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends so don't want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor; who's the best babe in Comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland; why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field with her legs part. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows it." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in, and gone.

Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed _expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."

The funeral

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!

She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, "Watch out for that f*cking wall!"

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Naked underneath

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Special Coma

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem ...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Poor Donkey

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy.

Many tried, all failed. Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

Viagra Side Effects

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

Poor Dog

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

Husband, Wife and Gorilla

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. The zoo is not very busy this morning and as they walk through the Ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand(and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.

The husband,noticing the excitement thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.She does, and Mr.Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down "Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver." he says.

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut and says "Now, tell HIM you've got a f--kin' headache.

Superheros Joke

One day Superman was feeling horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends so don't want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor; who's the best babe in Comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland; why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field with her legs part. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows it." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in, and gone.

Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed _expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."

Peanut penis

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

Doubt about Mahabharata

In a remote village of India, the teacher was telling the Mahabharata story to the 6th class students. He is at the Krishna's birth part of it.

Teacher:"Kansa heard from the skies that his sister's 8th child was going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put Vasudeva and Devki behind bars. First son is born, and Kansa killed him by poisoning...Second one was born, and Kansa threw him off the mountain peak. Third one was born.....

Ramu: I have a doubt (sounding nervous and confused).

Teacher: "Ramu, my dear! The whole of India doesn't have any doubt in Mahabharata, then how come you have one?"

Ramu: Sir, if Kansa knew that Devki's 8th child was going to kill him, why the hell did he put Vasudeva and Devki in the same cell?

The teacher fainted

A helping hand

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Misunderstanding

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck:

"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't
tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy
because the electricity bill has not been paid.

" Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? "

"Yes... speaking"

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"

" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are
overdue"

"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will
speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?

What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

What shall i do

Girl : What shall i do, if my boy friend touches my bra

Mum : Say stop

Girl : What shall i do, If he touches panty

Mum : Say DONT

Girl : Mum! I said dont stop becauz he touched both

Honest Father

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

Akbar ke Darbar

Ek baar, Akbar ke darbar mein ek randi ne mujra kiya. Woh item badi hi KANTEELI NACHANIYA thi. Itni sollid wo naachi ke sabke tatte tight ho gaye. Akbar bahut khush ho gaya. Usne randi ko kaha, "Jamnabai, bol tujhe kya inaam chahiye meri jaan? Sona-chandi, heere-moti, jaageer... kya chahiye, bol. Agar teri kisise dushmani ho to bhi bataa de... uski behen chod di jayegi."

Randi muh maange inaam ki baat sunke bahut khush hui. Par woh bahut hi bhenchod kism ki aurat thi. Uske gandu dimaag mein to kuch aur hi tha. Woh Akbar se boli, "Jahanpanah, jaan ki salaamat mile to kuch arz karoon". Akbar waise hi uske naach pe bahut senti tha. Woh bola,"Jo marzi maang, Jamna darling. Randi boli,
“Jahanpanah, mujhe aapki raajgaddi pe tatti karni hai."

Pehle to Akbar ko samajh hi nahin aaya ki kya yeh randi BAWLI GAAND to nahin ho gayelii hai? Lekin woh maNaa bhi nahin kar sak rella tha... chutiya promise jo kar baithella tha. Usne randi ko kuch aur maangne ke liye kaha, par randi bhi bahut shaani thi... woh nahin maani. Akbar bhi bechara kya karta, usne 15 din baad ki date de di. Usne socha ki baad mein randi pe pressure dalwa ke cancel karwa doonga, par bhen ki laudi maan hi nahi relli thi.

Jab Tatti-day nazdeek aa gaya , Akbar ki gaand bahut zyaada phat gayi... usne us waqt Birbal ko yaad kiya. Usne Birbal se kaha ki “Boss, ab mughal sultanat ki izzat us ke haath mein hai”. Birbal ne bhi Akbar ko promise kar diya ki chaahe usey apni maa gali-gali chudwaani pade, woh mughal sultanat ki izzat pe aanch nahin aane dega. Akbar bhi nischint ho gaya.

Finally Tatti-day aa gaya. Akbar to raat bhar so bhi nahin saka. Bhenchod ki khud ki tatti band ho gayi. Subah-subah randi ne darbaar mein grand entrance maara. Kehne lagi, "Jahanpanah, main teen din se nahin hagi hoon... jaldi se raajgaddi pe
tatti karne ki vyawastha kijiye." Akbar ne phatti gaand ke saath Birbal ki taraf
dekha. Birbal to shaana hus-hi-hus rella tha. Apni seat se khada hua aur bola, "Jamnabai, tu ne tatti karne ki demand ki thi... so karo. Lekin agar ek boond bhi moot nikal aaya to yeh talwaar ****** mein ghusa ke gaand se nikaal doonga."

Randi ko samajh aa gayaki is baar uska paala kisi andu pandu se nahin, Birbal se pada hai. Bhosadiki chup-chaap apni badi gaand uthake ghar chali gayi.

Ek baar phir birbal the great behen ke lode ne mughal saltanet ke gaand phatne se bachali...

First-year students

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger..... Now learn to pay attention..."

Medical School

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger..... Now learn to pay attention..."

Take Careful Aim

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Akbar aur Birbal

Ek baar, Akbar ke darbar mein ek randi ne mujra kiya. Woh item badi hi KANTEELI NACHANIYA thi. Itni sollid wo naachi ke sabke tatte tight ho gaye. Akbar bahut khush ho gaya. Usne randi ko kaha, "Jamnabai, bol tujhe kya inaam chahiye meri jaan? Sona-chandi, heere-moti, jaageer... kya chahiye, bol. Agar teri kisise dushmani ho to bhi bataa de... uski behen chod di jayegi."

Randi muh maange inaam ki baat sunke bahut khush hui. Par woh bahut hi bhenchod kism ki aurat thi. Uske gandu dimaag mein to kuch aur hi tha. Woh Akbar se boli, "Jahanpanah, jaan ki salaamat mile to kuch arz karoon". Akbar waise hi uske naach pe bahut senti tha. Woh bola,"Jo marzi maang, Jamna darling. Randi boli,
“Jahanpanah, mujhe aapki raajgaddi pe tatti karni hai."

Pehle to Akbar ko samajh hi nahin aaya ki kya yeh randi BAWLI GAAND to nahin ho gayelii hai? Lekin woh maNaa bhi nahin kar sak rella tha... chutiya promise jo kar baithella tha. Usne randi ko kuch aur maangne ke liye kaha, par randi bhi bahut shaani thi... woh nahin maani. Akbar bhi bechara kya karta, usne 15 din baad ki date de di. Usne socha ki baad mein randi pe pressure dalwa ke cancel karwa doonga, par bhen ki laudi maan hi nahi relli thi.

Jab Tatti-day nazdeek aa gaya , Akbar ki gaand bahut zyaada phat gayi... usne us waqt Birbal ko yaad kiya. Usne Birbal se kaha ki “Boss, ab mughal sultanat ki izzat us ke haath mein hai”. Birbal ne bhi Akbar ko promise kar diya ki chaahe usey apni maa gali-gali chudwaani pade, woh mughal sultanat ki izzat pe aanch nahin aane dega. Akbar bhi nischint ho gaya.

Finally Tatti-day aa gaya. Akbar to raat bhar so bhi nahin saka. Bhenchod ki khud ki tatti band ho gayi. Subah-subah randi ne darbaar mein grand entrance maara. Kehne lagi, "Jahanpanah, main teen din se nahin hagi hoon... jaldi se raajgaddi pe
tatti karne ki vyawastha kijiye." Akbar ne phatti gaand ke saath Birbal ki taraf
dekha. Birbal to shaana hus-hi-hus rella tha. Apni seat se khada hua aur bola, "Jamnabai, tu ne tatti karne ki demand ki thi... so karo. Lekin agar ek boond bhi moot nikal aaya to yeh talwaar ****** mein ghusa ke gaand se nikaal doonga."

Randi ko samajh aa gayaki is baar uska paala kisi andu pandu se nahin, Birbal se pada hai. Bhosadiki chup-chaap apni badi gaand uthake ghar chali gayi.

Ek baar phir birbal the great behen ke lode ne mughal saltanet ke gaand phatne se bachali...

Much Noise

Q:y do women make much noise while pissing ??????????


A:bcoz they dont have a 6-inch silencer like men !!!!!!

Gaon ki gori

Gaon ki gori,

lagti bholi,

utare choli,

panty kholi,

bed pe soli,

mujhse boli,

nikalo pichkari, khelo holi.

Young Salesman

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

Viagra Wasted

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Birth control for blondes

Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?

They take off their makeup.

Stung between the first and second hole

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Newly married couple in hotel

After their wedding reception a newly married couple went to their hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" the desk clerk asked.
"Only one," the groom replied. "She's not into anal sex,"

Banta & Laloo 5

After having their 11th child, Laloo & Rabri decided that that was enough.
So Laloo went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want
any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,
get a Diwali bomb, light it, put it in an empty Coke can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. Laloo said to the doctor, "I m the smartest man in Bihar, but I don t see how putting a Diwali atom bomb in a Coke can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
So the couple drove away to Delhi to get a second opinion. The Delhi physician was just about to
tell them about the procedure for vasectomy when he noticed it was Laloo
Yadav. This doctor told Laloo to go home and get a Diwali firecracker, light it, place it in a Coke can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians knew what they were talking about and couldn t be wrong, Laloo went home, lit a Diwali firecracker and put it in a Coke can. He held it up to his ear and began counting with the fingers on his left hand: "1,2,3, 4,5.." At which point he paused, placed the coke can between his legs and resumed counting on the other hand!

Banta & Laloo 4

Santa goes to a bar in London for a couple of
drinks. As he is sitting alone and drinking, he notices a sexy woman sitting in a
corner, alone and staring at him. At first he tries to ignore her, but the
sight of her huge boobs is still rolling in his mind and he looks at her again.
Now the woman smiles back at him and Santa gets very excited.
He gulps down a couple of neats and gathering courage goes upto her and
says, "Excuse me...I am Santa from India. Can I sit
here and buy you a drink?" The woman agrees and soon both of them are drinking
away like good ole' friends. Then after everything is through Santa and
the lady walk out of the bar. But Santa is in a great mood to screw her.
Again gathering courage and slighty drunk, he asks her, "Eschcuse me, can be
have sex tonight, please??" The lady says, "Well I don t mind, but you see I'm
on my menstrual cycle" "No problem" says Santa "you proceed in your
menstrual cycle, I will follow you in my Honda Accord !"

Banta & Laloo 3

A lady was shopping in Delhi. Suddenly she realizes
she is late for an appointment. She is not wearing a watch so she sees
a small shop on the roadside, goes to the shop and asks in very western
accent to our Santa (owner)....
What's the time?? Santa is a very patriotic man and hates English
accent while speaking.. So he replies back in the same accent........
Bra-panties!! Confused the lady asks again.........
No! No! What's the time?? Santa again answers back..........
Bra-panties!! Bra-panties!! Seeing the confusion going between the two another
man comes to the rescue of the lady and says.......
O papaji tusi samajh nahin paaye!! Kudi twade kol time puuch rahii hai
gayee!! Angry Santa shots back at him......... Tow main bhi to oonoo time hee das rahan hai barah panthis(12:35)

Banta & Laloo 2

Default
One evening Santa and Banta were arguing over which
of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the
issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go
to their respective rooms. Banta energetically balls his whore and, reaching
up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall.
Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the
whore again, a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back
and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
Banta wakes up again in a couple of hours and
lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall
and falls asleep for the rest of the night. The next morning, Santa enters into Banta's room to
see how he did. He takes
ne look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and
eleven?! You beat me by three!"

Banta & Laloo 1

Once Banta and his girl friend were fighting over who was a better at thinking better. They both decided to think for a minute and present their thoughts a minute later Banta presented a poem - Two plus Two is Four plus five is nine. I can pee in yours but u can't pee in mine

His girl friend said 'oh yeah' and equaled Banta.
Two plus Two is four plus five is nine. I can know the length of yours but u can't know the
depth of mine!!

Banta & Laloo

Banta was recruited as a salesman in a music shop where musicrecords, gramophones etc. were sold. The proprietor, at the time of interview, had instructed him that if any customer asked for any item which was not in the stock, he should suggest for an alternative instead of refusing the demand.

One day a pretty young girl of 18 entered the shop and asked Banta, " Mr. have you got TWO LIPS & SEVEN KISSES ?" The record was not in the stock hence Banta suggested," No madam, I have not got two lips and seven kisses but I have got TWO
BALLS AND SEVEN INCHES." The girl exclaimed," Is it a record?" Salesman answered," No madam, it s quite NORMAL."

Husband reading book and fondling his wife

A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

The Top 5 Gay Star

5. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a police officer! Besides, the Village People already HAVE a cop!"
4. "All right, who's been running the gladiator program on the holodeck again?"
3. "Orion slave girl, Orion slave guy -- who cares? I'm getting me some green ass!"
2. "Sorry, ensign -- I didn't mean to go quite so boldly."
and the Number 1 Gay "Star Trek" Quote...
1. "Impressive, gentlemen, but that's not what I meant when I said I needed to see Bones."

Italian French and Aussie guy

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.
The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.
The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the fucking roof. GO THE AUSSIES

Three priests and sexy woman

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."
They took the bus.

Teacher playing name

A teacher playing a game of name that animal with her class.
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie

Why Mahendra Singh Dhoni has no girlfriends

Question. Why Mahendra Singh Dhoni has no girlfriends?

Answer. Kyunki Sabko pata hai ki woh roz 2 litre doodh pita hai, ab kaun si ladki itna risk legi!!!

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is is hanging out of your pajamas?"

Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Why bicycles are better than Women

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

Couple having sex

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Three sisters at home with their hubbies

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

Relation Between Men & Women

Relation Between Men

&Women As On Now Days :-

You Can Touch Each Other

But You Cannot

Touch Each Other’s Mobiles

larkiyan bhi ajeeb hoti hain

Sardar: larkiyan bhi ajeeb hoti hain. baat karo to thappar marti hain!

Pathan: yehi to tum na patay ka baat kia, larka acha hota hai

Tum larki se bhi khubsurat ho

Tum chand se khobsorat ho sitaron se poch lo

Tum pholon se khobsorat ho bharon se poch lo

Tum larki se bhi khubsurat ho
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pathano
se poch lo..

Pahle pehan to lo

Saali- Mini skirt me jijaji k paas aakar kehthi hai: Jiju dekhiye to, jukne se meri panty dikhthi he kya?

Jija: Pahle pehan to lo, phir dikhana.

The naughty wind

The naughty wind

That blows the girl’s skirt high

But the nature is clever

It sends dust with the wind

To close the boy’s eyes

Why did the pigs

Why did the pigs cross the road with their laundry?
They wanted to do their hogwash.

Why did the chicken

Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser.

There was an elderly

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only $20.00 to spend.

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only $20.00. "But, there is a possibility!" he said.

And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, "You can have this myna bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary."

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the $20, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

"Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird.

"It's the butcher!" said the man.

"Who is it!?" repeated the bird.

"Lady, it's the butcher!"...

"Who is it!?"

"Lady, it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

(now exasperated beyond limit) "Lady! I said it's the G@$$a&&ed butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door. The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says "Oh my god! Who is it?!"

...and the myna bird promptly says, "It's the butcher!!!"

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive." The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.

"Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?"

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!!!"

Does Your Cat

See how many yes answers apply to you.

Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?

Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

Does your cat sleep on your head?
Do you like it?

Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?

There was an elderly lady

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only $20.00 to spend.

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only $20.00. "But, there is a possibility!" he said.

And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, "You can have this myna bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary."

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the $20, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

"Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird.

"It's the butcher!" said the man.

"Who is it!?" repeated the bird.

"Lady, it's the butcher!"...

"Who is it!?"

"Lady, it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

(now exasperated beyond limit) "Lady! I said it's the G@$$a&&ed butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door. The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says "Oh my god! Who is it?!"

...and the myna bird promptly says, "It's the butcher!!!"

The mail carrier

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive." The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.

"Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?"

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!!!"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy son-of-a-gun!"

An avid duck hunter was in the market

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua

A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua decide to go to a restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher replies, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

"Sorry, Sir. No pets allowed," announces the door man.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The door man inquires, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He responds, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The door man says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua thinks, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed," announces the door man.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The door man inquires, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua replies, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

A police dog responds to an ad for

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen her do a thing, but the other two call her Senior Partner

A young man's mother was now living

A young man's mother was now living in Miami Beach and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"

"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."

"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"

"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"

A few days before Christmas

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing---

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!