The funeral

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. As the pallbearers are carrying out the casket, they accidentally bump into a wall. Hearing a faint moan from inside, the woman’s husband opens the casket and finds that his wife is actually alive!

She dies again, 10 years later, at which point her husband has to go through another funeral. This time when the pallbearers carry the casket toward the door, the husband yells out, "Watch out for that f*cking wall!"

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Naked underneath

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

Special Coma

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem ...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Poor Donkey

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy.

Many tried, all failed. Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."

Viagra Side Effects

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

Poor Dog

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

Husband, Wife and Gorilla

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. The zoo is not very busy this morning and as they walk through the Ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand(and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress.

The husband,noticing the excitement thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.She does, and Mr.Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down "Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver." he says.

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut and says "Now, tell HIM you've got a f--kin' headache.

Superheros Joke

One day Superman was feeling horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends so don't want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor; who's the best babe in Comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland; why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field with her legs part. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows it." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in, and gone.

Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed _expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."

Peanut penis

Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"

"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"

"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."

Doubt about Mahabharata

In a remote village of India, the teacher was telling the Mahabharata story to the 6th class students. He is at the Krishna's birth part of it.

Teacher:"Kansa heard from the skies that his sister's 8th child was going to kill him. He was furious. He ordered to put Vasudeva and Devki behind bars. First son is born, and Kansa killed him by poisoning...Second one was born, and Kansa threw him off the mountain peak. Third one was born.....

Ramu: I have a doubt (sounding nervous and confused).

Teacher: "Ramu, my dear! The whole of India doesn't have any doubt in Mahabharata, then how come you have one?"

Ramu: Sir, if Kansa knew that Devki's 8th child was going to kill him, why the hell did he put Vasudeva and Devki in the same cell?

The teacher fainted

A helping hand

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Misunderstanding

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck:

"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't
tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy
because the electricity bill has not been paid.

" Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? "

"Yes... speaking"

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"

" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are
overdue"

"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will
speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?

What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

What shall i do

Girl : What shall i do, if my boy friend touches my bra

Mum : Say stop

Girl : What shall i do, If he touches panty

Mum : Say DONT

Girl : Mum! I said dont stop becauz he touched both

Honest Father

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

Akbar ke Darbar

Ek baar, Akbar ke darbar mein ek randi ne mujra kiya. Woh item badi hi KANTEELI NACHANIYA thi. Itni sollid wo naachi ke sabke tatte tight ho gaye. Akbar bahut khush ho gaya. Usne randi ko kaha, "Jamnabai, bol tujhe kya inaam chahiye meri jaan? Sona-chandi, heere-moti, jaageer... kya chahiye, bol. Agar teri kisise dushmani ho to bhi bataa de... uski behen chod di jayegi."

Randi muh maange inaam ki baat sunke bahut khush hui. Par woh bahut hi bhenchod kism ki aurat thi. Uske gandu dimaag mein to kuch aur hi tha. Woh Akbar se boli, "Jahanpanah, jaan ki salaamat mile to kuch arz karoon". Akbar waise hi uske naach pe bahut senti tha. Woh bola,"Jo marzi maang, Jamna darling. Randi boli,
“Jahanpanah, mujhe aapki raajgaddi pe tatti karni hai."

Pehle to Akbar ko samajh hi nahin aaya ki kya yeh randi BAWLI GAAND to nahin ho gayelii hai? Lekin woh maNaa bhi nahin kar sak rella tha... chutiya promise jo kar baithella tha. Usne randi ko kuch aur maangne ke liye kaha, par randi bhi bahut shaani thi... woh nahin maani. Akbar bhi bechara kya karta, usne 15 din baad ki date de di. Usne socha ki baad mein randi pe pressure dalwa ke cancel karwa doonga, par bhen ki laudi maan hi nahi relli thi.

Jab Tatti-day nazdeek aa gaya , Akbar ki gaand bahut zyaada phat gayi... usne us waqt Birbal ko yaad kiya. Usne Birbal se kaha ki “Boss, ab mughal sultanat ki izzat us ke haath mein hai”. Birbal ne bhi Akbar ko promise kar diya ki chaahe usey apni maa gali-gali chudwaani pade, woh mughal sultanat ki izzat pe aanch nahin aane dega. Akbar bhi nischint ho gaya.

Finally Tatti-day aa gaya. Akbar to raat bhar so bhi nahin saka. Bhenchod ki khud ki tatti band ho gayi. Subah-subah randi ne darbaar mein grand entrance maara. Kehne lagi, "Jahanpanah, main teen din se nahin hagi hoon... jaldi se raajgaddi pe
tatti karne ki vyawastha kijiye." Akbar ne phatti gaand ke saath Birbal ki taraf
dekha. Birbal to shaana hus-hi-hus rella tha. Apni seat se khada hua aur bola, "Jamnabai, tu ne tatti karne ki demand ki thi... so karo. Lekin agar ek boond bhi moot nikal aaya to yeh talwaar ****** mein ghusa ke gaand se nikaal doonga."

Randi ko samajh aa gayaki is baar uska paala kisi andu pandu se nahin, Birbal se pada hai. Bhosadiki chup-chaap apni badi gaand uthake ghar chali gayi.

Ek baar phir birbal the great behen ke lode ne mughal saltanet ke gaand phatne se bachali...

First-year students

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger..... Now learn to pay attention..."

Medical School

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and licking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and licked on my index finger..... Now learn to pay attention..."

Take Careful Aim

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

Akbar aur Birbal

Ek baar, Akbar ke darbar mein ek randi ne mujra kiya. Woh item badi hi KANTEELI NACHANIYA thi. Itni sollid wo naachi ke sabke tatte tight ho gaye. Akbar bahut khush ho gaya. Usne randi ko kaha, "Jamnabai, bol tujhe kya inaam chahiye meri jaan? Sona-chandi, heere-moti, jaageer... kya chahiye, bol. Agar teri kisise dushmani ho to bhi bataa de... uski behen chod di jayegi."

Randi muh maange inaam ki baat sunke bahut khush hui. Par woh bahut hi bhenchod kism ki aurat thi. Uske gandu dimaag mein to kuch aur hi tha. Woh Akbar se boli, "Jahanpanah, jaan ki salaamat mile to kuch arz karoon". Akbar waise hi uske naach pe bahut senti tha. Woh bola,"Jo marzi maang, Jamna darling. Randi boli,
“Jahanpanah, mujhe aapki raajgaddi pe tatti karni hai."

Pehle to Akbar ko samajh hi nahin aaya ki kya yeh randi BAWLI GAAND to nahin ho gayelii hai? Lekin woh maNaa bhi nahin kar sak rella tha... chutiya promise jo kar baithella tha. Usne randi ko kuch aur maangne ke liye kaha, par randi bhi bahut shaani thi... woh nahin maani. Akbar bhi bechara kya karta, usne 15 din baad ki date de di. Usne socha ki baad mein randi pe pressure dalwa ke cancel karwa doonga, par bhen ki laudi maan hi nahi relli thi.

Jab Tatti-day nazdeek aa gaya , Akbar ki gaand bahut zyaada phat gayi... usne us waqt Birbal ko yaad kiya. Usne Birbal se kaha ki “Boss, ab mughal sultanat ki izzat us ke haath mein hai”. Birbal ne bhi Akbar ko promise kar diya ki chaahe usey apni maa gali-gali chudwaani pade, woh mughal sultanat ki izzat pe aanch nahin aane dega. Akbar bhi nischint ho gaya.

Finally Tatti-day aa gaya. Akbar to raat bhar so bhi nahin saka. Bhenchod ki khud ki tatti band ho gayi. Subah-subah randi ne darbaar mein grand entrance maara. Kehne lagi, "Jahanpanah, main teen din se nahin hagi hoon... jaldi se raajgaddi pe
tatti karne ki vyawastha kijiye." Akbar ne phatti gaand ke saath Birbal ki taraf
dekha. Birbal to shaana hus-hi-hus rella tha. Apni seat se khada hua aur bola, "Jamnabai, tu ne tatti karne ki demand ki thi... so karo. Lekin agar ek boond bhi moot nikal aaya to yeh talwaar ****** mein ghusa ke gaand se nikaal doonga."

Randi ko samajh aa gayaki is baar uska paala kisi andu pandu se nahin, Birbal se pada hai. Bhosadiki chup-chaap apni badi gaand uthake ghar chali gayi.

Ek baar phir birbal the great behen ke lode ne mughal saltanet ke gaand phatne se bachali...

Much Noise

Q:y do women make much noise while pissing ??????????


A:bcoz they dont have a 6-inch silencer like men !!!!!!

Gaon ki gori

Gaon ki gori,

lagti bholi,

utare choli,

panty kholi,

bed pe soli,

mujhse boli,

nikalo pichkari, khelo holi.

Young Salesman

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.

Viagra Wasted

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

Birth control for blondes

Did you hear about the new form of birth control for blondes?

They take off their makeup.

Stung between the first and second hole

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Newly married couple in hotel

After their wedding reception a newly married couple went to their hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations?" the desk clerk asked.
"Only one," the groom replied. "She's not into anal sex,"

Banta & Laloo 5

After having their 11th child, Laloo & Rabri decided that that was enough.
So Laloo went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want
any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home,
get a Diwali bomb, light it, put it in an empty Coke can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. Laloo said to the doctor, "I m the smartest man in Bihar, but I don t see how putting a Diwali atom bomb in a Coke can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
So the couple drove away to Delhi to get a second opinion. The Delhi physician was just about to
tell them about the procedure for vasectomy when he noticed it was Laloo
Yadav. This doctor told Laloo to go home and get a Diwali firecracker, light it, place it in a Coke can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians knew what they were talking about and couldn t be wrong, Laloo went home, lit a Diwali firecracker and put it in a Coke can. He held it up to his ear and began counting with the fingers on his left hand: "1,2,3, 4,5.." At which point he paused, placed the coke can between his legs and resumed counting on the other hand!

Banta & Laloo 4

Santa goes to a bar in London for a couple of
drinks. As he is sitting alone and drinking, he notices a sexy woman sitting in a
corner, alone and staring at him. At first he tries to ignore her, but the
sight of her huge boobs is still rolling in his mind and he looks at her again.
Now the woman smiles back at him and Santa gets very excited.
He gulps down a couple of neats and gathering courage goes upto her and
says, "Excuse me...I am Santa from India. Can I sit
here and buy you a drink?" The woman agrees and soon both of them are drinking
away like good ole' friends. Then after everything is through Santa and
the lady walk out of the bar. But Santa is in a great mood to screw her.
Again gathering courage and slighty drunk, he asks her, "Eschcuse me, can be
have sex tonight, please??" The lady says, "Well I don t mind, but you see I'm
on my menstrual cycle" "No problem" says Santa "you proceed in your
menstrual cycle, I will follow you in my Honda Accord !"

Banta & Laloo 3

A lady was shopping in Delhi. Suddenly she realizes
she is late for an appointment. She is not wearing a watch so she sees
a small shop on the roadside, goes to the shop and asks in very western
accent to our Santa (owner)....
What's the time?? Santa is a very patriotic man and hates English
accent while speaking.. So he replies back in the same accent........
Bra-panties!! Confused the lady asks again.........
No! No! What's the time?? Santa again answers back..........
Bra-panties!! Bra-panties!! Seeing the confusion going between the two another
man comes to the rescue of the lady and says.......
O papaji tusi samajh nahin paaye!! Kudi twade kol time puuch rahii hai
gayee!! Angry Santa shots back at him......... Tow main bhi to oonoo time hee das rahan hai barah panthis(12:35)

Banta & Laloo 2

Default
One evening Santa and Banta were arguing over which
of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the
issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go
to their respective rooms. Banta energetically balls his whore and, reaching
up with a pencil, makes a "| " mark on the wall.
Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the
whore again, a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back
and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep.
Banta wakes up again in a couple of hours and
lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | " on the wall
and falls asleep for the rest of the night. The next morning, Santa enters into Banta's room to
see how he did. He takes
ne look at the wall and exclaims, "A hundred and
eleven?! You beat me by three!"

Banta & Laloo 1

Once Banta and his girl friend were fighting over who was a better at thinking better. They both decided to think for a minute and present their thoughts a minute later Banta presented a poem - Two plus Two is Four plus five is nine. I can pee in yours but u can't pee in mine

His girl friend said 'oh yeah' and equaled Banta.
Two plus Two is four plus five is nine. I can know the length of yours but u can't know the
depth of mine!!

Banta & Laloo

Banta was recruited as a salesman in a music shop where musicrecords, gramophones etc. were sold. The proprietor, at the time of interview, had instructed him that if any customer asked for any item which was not in the stock, he should suggest for an alternative instead of refusing the demand.

One day a pretty young girl of 18 entered the shop and asked Banta, " Mr. have you got TWO LIPS & SEVEN KISSES ?" The record was not in the stock hence Banta suggested," No madam, I have not got two lips and seven kisses but I have got TWO
BALLS AND SEVEN INCHES." The girl exclaimed," Is it a record?" Salesman answered," No madam, it s quite NORMAL."

Husband reading book and fondling his wife

A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.

The Top 5 Gay Star

5. "Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a police officer! Besides, the Village People already HAVE a cop!"
4. "All right, who's been running the gladiator program on the holodeck again?"
3. "Orion slave girl, Orion slave guy -- who cares? I'm getting me some green ass!"
2. "Sorry, ensign -- I didn't mean to go quite so boldly."
and the Number 1 Gay "Star Trek" Quote...
1. "Impressive, gentlemen, but that's not what I meant when I said I needed to see Bones."

Italian French and Aussie guy

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.
The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.
The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the fucking roof. GO THE AUSSIES

Three priests and sexy woman

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater.
She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest goes to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes."
Mortified, he too fled.
"Morons...." the third priest mutters and moves to the window. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you."
They took the bus.

Teacher playing name

A teacher playing a game of name that animal with her class.
Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie

Why Mahendra Singh Dhoni has no girlfriends

Question. Why Mahendra Singh Dhoni has no girlfriends?

Answer. Kyunki Sabko pata hai ki woh roz 2 litre doodh pita hai, ab kaun si ladki itna risk legi!!!

My Private Part Died

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."
"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is is hanging out of your pajamas?"

Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

Why bicycles are better than Women

Bicycles don't get pregnant.

You can ride your Bicycle any time of the month.

Bicycles don't have parents.

Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

You can share your Bicycle with your friends.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you've ridden.

When riding, you and your Bicycle can arrive at the same time.

Bicycles don't care how many other Bicycles you have.

Bicycles don't care if you look at other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you buy Bicycle magazines.

You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to own a new Bicycle" unless you go out to buy one yourself.

If your Bicycle goes flat you can fix it.

If your Bicycle is too loose you can tighten it.

If your Bicycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Bicycle.

If you say bad things to your Bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.

You can ride your Bicycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

You can stop riding your Bicycle as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.

Your parents won't remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.

Bicycles don't get headaches.

Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.

Your Bicycle never wants a night out with the other Bicycles.

Bicycles don't care if you're late.

You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.

If your Bicycle doesn't look good you can paint it or get better parts.

You can ride your Bicycle the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.

The only protection you have to wear when riding your Bicycle is a decent helmet.

When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your Bicycle.

Couple having sex

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Three sisters at home with their hubbies

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies. That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming. Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter, "Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."

Relation Between Men & Women

Relation Between Men

&Women As On Now Days :-

You Can Touch Each Other

But You Cannot

Touch Each Other’s Mobiles

larkiyan bhi ajeeb hoti hain

Sardar: larkiyan bhi ajeeb hoti hain. baat karo to thappar marti hain!

Pathan: yehi to tum na patay ka baat kia, larka acha hota hai

Tum larki se bhi khubsurat ho

Tum chand se khobsorat ho sitaron se poch lo

Tum pholon se khobsorat ho bharon se poch lo

Tum larki se bhi khubsurat ho
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Pathano
se poch lo..

Pahle pehan to lo

Saali- Mini skirt me jijaji k paas aakar kehthi hai: Jiju dekhiye to, jukne se meri panty dikhthi he kya?

Jija: Pahle pehan to lo, phir dikhana.

The naughty wind

The naughty wind

That blows the girl’s skirt high

But the nature is clever

It sends dust with the wind

To close the boy’s eyes

Why did the pigs

Why did the pigs cross the road with their laundry?
They wanted to do their hogwash.

Why did the chicken

Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser.

There was an elderly

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only $20.00 to spend.

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only $20.00. "But, there is a possibility!" he said.

And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, "You can have this myna bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary."

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the $20, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

"Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird.

"It's the butcher!" said the man.

"Who is it!?" repeated the bird.

"Lady, it's the butcher!"...

"Who is it!?"

"Lady, it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

(now exasperated beyond limit) "Lady! I said it's the G@$$a&&ed butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door. The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says "Oh my god! Who is it?!"

...and the myna bird promptly says, "It's the butcher!!!"

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive." The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.

"Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?"

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!!!"

Does Your Cat

See how many yes answers apply to you.

Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?

Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?

Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?

Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter?

Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?

Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?

Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?

Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?

Does your cat sleep on your head?
Do you like it?

Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?

Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?

Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?

Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?

Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?

There was an elderly lady

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only $20.00 to spend.

The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only $20.00. "But, there is a possibility!" he said.

And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said, "You can have this myna bird for $20, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary."

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the $20, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like. After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

"Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird.

"It's the butcher!" said the man.

"Who is it!?" repeated the bird.

"Lady, it's the butcher!"...

"Who is it!?"

"Lady, it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

(now exasperated beyond limit) "Lady! I said it's the G@$$a&&ed butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door. The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says "Oh my god! Who is it?!"

...and the myna bird promptly says, "It's the butcher!!!"

The mail carrier

The mail carrier had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in."

Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest German Shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. The mail man shouted, "Lady, call off you dog before he eats me alive." The only response he got was that same high pitch voice coming from the next room saying, "Come in."

Pressing his body against the wall, he slowly worked his way to the door way leading to the next room. Looking around, he saw the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage. After the threat from the huge dog, he was becoming quite irate and said to the parrot.

"Darn you, don't you know any words besides 'Come in?"

Without a moments hesitation the parrot responded, "Sic him!!!"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy son-of-a-gun!"

An avid duck hunter was in the market

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua

A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua decide to go to a restaurant and get something to eat.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher replies, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

"Sorry, Sir. No pets allowed," announces the door man.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The door man inquires, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He responds, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The door man says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua thinks, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed," announces the door man.

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The door man inquires, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua replies, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

A police dog responds to an ad for

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course." This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time. "There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen her do a thing, but the other two call her Senior Partner

A young man's mother was now living

A young man's mother was now living in Miami Beach and he didn't see her that often. His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely. For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"

"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."

"You ate the bird? Ma, the bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"

"Oh, excuse me. But, if the bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?"

A few days before Christmas

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing---

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

A lady is walking down the street to

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot,

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out how the magician made everything in the act disappear. The parrot got bored, his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot could figure out. One night in the middle of the magician's performance, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.

Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician and perched on the edge of the makeshift raft and stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.

Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks, "All right, I give up. What did you do with the ship?"

A young man was delighted to finally

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canap?s the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

A couple buys this cute little dog.

A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won't eat, doesn't bark, heck it doesn't even move at all.

So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.

The Vet then turns to the couple and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead... That'll be $225.00."

"$225.00?," screamed the outraged man. "You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?"

The Vet replied, "It's only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan."

Did you hear about the new dog cross-breeds?

They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

They crossed a Spitz and a Chow-Chow. The new breed is a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.

They crossed a Pointer and a Setter. The new breed is a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

They crossed a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund. The new breed is a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.

They crossed a Pekingese and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is Peekasso, an abstract dog.

They crossed a Irish Water Spaniel and a English Springer Spaniel. The new breed is a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean.

They crossed a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever. The new breed is a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of laboratory researchers.

They crossed a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound. The new breed is a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

They crossed a Bloodhound and a Labrador. The new breed is a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.

They crossed a Malamute and a Pointer. The new breed is a Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't really matter.

They crossed a Collie and a Malamute. The new breed is a Commute, a dog that travels to work.

They crossed a Deerhound and a Terrier. The new breed is a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

They crossed a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu. The new breed is a uhh, I'll get back to you on that.....

A very shy guy goes into a bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

At a jewelry store, a young man

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Brad had a blind date with Ashley

Brad had a blind date with Ashley for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself attracted to her more and more. After some really passionate embracing, he said, ?Tell me, do you object to making love??
?That?s something I have never done before,? Ashley replied.
?Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?? Brad was amazed.
?No, silly!? she giggled. ?I?ve never objected!?

A boy and his date were parked

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
?I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I?m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex,? she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver?s seat looking out the window. ?Why aren?t we going anywhere?? asked the girl.
?Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I?m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.?

There was a young virgin that was

There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, ?Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don?t let him do that.?
She continued, ?He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don?t let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don?t let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, ?But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don?t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.?
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
?Grandmother, I didn?t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I showed him who was boss! I disgraced his family! Three times!?

The boyfriend said

The boyfriend said, ?We?re going to have a GREAT time Saturday. I?ve gotten three tickets for the big game.?
?Why do we need three ?? asked the girl.
?They?re for your Father, Mother, and kid sister.? he replied with a sheepish grin.

Escaping In Helicopter

Scene: Ajeet is escaping with his men in a helicopter...

Ajeet: Kuch hee der mein hamara helicopter hindustan ki sarhadon ke pare door birmingham mein hoga. Wahaan tumhe ek kaale rang ki sioorlett (cheverlett) nazar aayegi. Wo tumhe signal degee...on..off..on..off

Raabert : Boss..hamara signal kya hoga ?

Ajeet : bewkoof...off..on..off..on...

Liquid Oxygen Me Daal Do

Raabert: Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?

Ajeet: Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise jeene nahi dega, aur oxygen ise marne nahi dega.

Superconductor Me Daal Do

Peter: Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?

Ajeet: Peter! Is saale ko superconductor me daal do, saala bus mein ticket detedete thak jayega.

Peter: Boss is saale ka kya karen ?

Ajeet: Ise microprocessor mein daal do...BIT by BIT marega !

Hamlet Poison Khilado

Robert: aur boss..iska kya karen ?

Ajeet:Ise hamlet poison khilado...sochta rahega, to be or not to be !

Mission Par Kaise Jaaoon

Bob: Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.

Ajeet: Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padegak.!

Social Security

Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy.

Ajeet: "Raabert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal doo. Saale ko Society jeene nahin degea aur security isse marne nahin degea.

Hole And Water

Scene: Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole and water starts coming inside.

Raabert is perplexed ! Raabert: Boss ab kya hoga ??

Ajeet: Raabert Ek aur hole bana do , aur ek hole me IN aur doosre me out lik do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar chale jayega !!

Shaarthand Seekh Legi

Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.

Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.

Raabert: Magar kyoon baas ?

Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.

India Bids For Channel Tunnel

When tenders were floated for the channel tunnel to connect England & France, many international building companies vied with one another to get the contract. The stakes were very high; the job of digging building expertise. Tenders were opened by the Board of Directors of the Anglo-French corporation which had taken on the project. British builders' estimates were over 200 million dollar, each; French & German builders were marginally lower.
There was one from India: Singh & Singh Builders whose estimate was only 5 million dollars. The Board was for ignoring the Indian tender but out of curiosity invited Singh & Singh over to discuss the plans.
Banta Singh & Santa Singh of Singh & Singh Builders appeared before the Board.
The Chairman asked them "Have you any experience of undertaking this kind of work?"
"Indeed we have," replied the two Singhs, "we bored a lot of tubewells in the Punjab & Haryana. We can bore holes anywhere."
"This is not as simple. How will you connect the tunnel from the English side to the French?" "Simple," replied Santa Singh, "Banta Singh will dig from the French end & I from the English."
The Chairman was flabbergasted. "You don't realise that it will need a lot of accurate calculation to get the two tunnels to meet at the same point under the channel. Other companies' estimates are over 200 million dollars each & you think you can do the same job for 5 million dollars. How will that be possible?"
"What is bothering you?" demanded Singh & Singh, "if our two tunnels don't meet, instead of one we will give you two tunnels.

Hole And Water

Scene: Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole and water starts coming inside.

Raabert is perplexed ! Raabert: Boss ab kya hoga ??

Ajeet: Raabert Ek aur hole bana do , aur ek hole me IN aur doosre me out lik do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar chale jayega !!

Shaarthand Seekh Legi

Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.

Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.

Raabert: Magar kyoon baas ?

Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.

Checkpoint

Ajeet: Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger starrt kar do.

Raabert: Lekin kyoon, baas?

Ajeet: Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.

Test Match

Ajeet: Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?

Raabert: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.

Ajeet: Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana.

Raabert: Yes Boss.

Ajeet: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare kabze mein hai .......

Shamepain

Scene: Ajeet comes to know about the traitor in his gang.

Ajeet: Raabert, ise ShamePain mein daal tho, agar Shame se nahi mara to Pain se mar jayega.

The naughty wind

The wind

The wind

The naughty wind

That blows the girl’s skirt high

But the nature is clever

It sends dust with the wind

To close the boy’s eyes.”;-)

The later the bus the longer the que

Arz kia hai.

The later the bus the longer the que.

The later the bus the longer the que.

Wah Wah Wah

The shorter the skirt the better the view!

Passive mai badlo!

Tchr: Passive mai badlo!

Bache jab Sunsan Jagaao per Jate hein to Hadso ko Janam Dete hein!

Student: Sunsan Jagao per huey Haadse Bacho ko Janam Dete Hain

A small kid wrote 2 Santa Clause

A small kid wrote 2 Santa Clause,
“send me a brother.”
Santa wrote back,
“send me ur mother.”

but wen u fart u r alone

Wen u smile the world smiles with u.

wen ur down people will rally behind u.

but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u!

Hole And Water

Scene: Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole and water starts coming inside.

Raabert is perplexed ! Raabert: Boss ab kya hoga ??

Ajeet: Raabert Ek aur hole bana do , aur ek hole me IN aur doosre me out lik do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar chale jayega !!

Shaarthand Seekh Legi

Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.

Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.

Raabert: Magar kyoon baas ?

Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.

Checkpoint

Ajeet: Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger starrt kar do.

Raabert: Lekin kyoon, baas?

Ajeet: Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.

Test Match

Ajeet: Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?

Raabert: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.

Ajeet: Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana.

Raabert: Yes Boss.

Ajeet: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare kabze mein hai .......