Whistle?

Pouring out his troubles to his great and good friend over a couple of triple Martinis, Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home.
"My wife and I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next tell your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the bottom window."
"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
"Just whistle."
"Whistle?"
"That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."

The Haze And Warmth Of The Summer Evening

The haze and warmth of the summer evening added to the atmosphere of passion on the small lake, deserted except for a canoe drifting lazily on its surface. In it, clasped in close embrace, lay George and Marilyn, gazing into each other's eyes and murmuring the special phrases of lovers.
With a delicious silken rustle that set the canoe to gently rocking, she pressed herself still closer to him.
"Georgie," she sighed, "will you love me always?" "Of course, my darling," he whispered tenderly. "Which way would you like me to try first?"

To Be Good

Sue lay sprawled in sweet exhaustion on the bed, wearing a red ribbon in her bright blonde hair. Beside her, wearing not even a ribbon, Mark slowly lit two cigarettes and passed one to her. For a long moment, smoke and silence hung in the air. Then:
"My mother always told me to be good," Sue said with a little smile. "Was I?"

Newlywed Fred

Conversation at the club had turned to sex and the techniques thereof.
"But should I talk to my wife while making love?" asked newlywed Fred.
"Certainly," counseled an older member, "if you happen to be near a phone."

Accident

"How did this accident occur?" asked the doctor.
"Well," explained the patient, "I was making love to my girl on the living-room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us."
"Fortunately, you've only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks," the doctor said. "I think you're a very lucky man."
"You said it, doc," exclaimed the man. "A minute sooner and it could have fractured my skull."

Blonde Phone Call

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your
other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Best Job A Blonde Has Ever Had

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

Pillsbury Dough Boy and a Blonde

what do you get when you cross the pillsbury douhg boy with a blonde??a whiney bitch with a yeast infection

Blonde At A M&M Factory

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Blonde In The Park

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

Blondes And Ufo's

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Sudden Change Of Mind

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

All About The Money

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only
would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

Heart says to eyes

Heart says to eyes don't see more, bcoz u see nd i suffer',
Eyes answered to heart don't think more bcoz u feel nd i cry',
thats the relationshp.

I Don't Cheat

I Don't Cheat,

I Just Change The Rules!

I Always Want To Rise Up,

But Gravity Brings Me Down!

GLOBAL WARMING BURNT MY HOMEWORK

Sharm ani chahiye

Jeeto: Sharm ani chahiye, tumhare Preeto se sambhand hai.
Santa: Sorry, par tumhe kaise pata chala?
Jeeto: Kal Banta aya tha usne tumhara Underwear pahena hua tha.

Wife agar husband ko

Banta: Wife agar husband ko naukar samjhe to husband ko kya karna chahiye?
Santa: Zyada kuch nahi, do char ghar aur pakad lene chahiye.

Santa opened A College

Santa opened A College. Guess the Name of College?
The Name of the the College was: WOMEN`S COLLEGE FOR BOYS

2 boys

2 boys follow 2 girls
The grls turned back and tied rakhi to each of them.




then the boys said 2 themselves u marry ur sister and i'll marry ur sister!

the father

"You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk ten miles everyday to get to school." "Really?" the kid said. "Well when he was your age, he was President."

1 ladki

1 ladki ne coin dalke apna vajan dekha,58kg
Sandal utari,56kg
Jacket utari,53kg
Fir duppata, 52kg or coin khatam
1 bhikari bola tu chalu rakh sikke me dalunga!

Dayvorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

Farmer: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
Attorney: "well do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
Farmer: "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundees."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat
you up or anything?"

"No sir, we both get up about 4:30." replies the farmer.

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way.
"WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful
conversation with her."

Lottery Winner

Francine gets home, runs into the house, and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

Marvin says, "Oh, Honey, That's great! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the heck outta here!"

Suspicious Eve

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Retiring Warships

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

Bad Shape

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a
very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Try to be
pleasant in general, and make sure he stays in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. Don't burden him
with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will
only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2
months, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the
husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to
die," she replied.

Newly Wed Breakfast

Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott.

"Toast and juice," replied Tracy.

Mickey/Minne Divorce

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's fucking goofy!"

Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson's divorce

Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson

Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to "just beat it" one too many times.

He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood".

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.

Wedding Traditions

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

kiss karu

Man - kiss karu ??
Girl - lipstic kharab ho jayegi.
Man - boobs dabau ??
Girl - T shirt kharab ho jayegi.
Man - fuck karu ??
Girl - period me hu.
Man - gaand maru ?? Now don't say ki motion hi loose hai jee.

condom

Cow ko condom chabaate dekh Lalu gusse se bola - ye khane ki nahi, lagaane ki cheez hai.

Rabri - is par nahi bailwa par chilao. Usi ne iske muh me diya hoga. .

Ladkiya pant k niche kya pehnti hain

Ladkiya pant k niche kya pehnti hain ??




socho,




socho,





sochte raho,




dirty mind.




vo chappal pehnti hain. Niche pucha tha ander nahi.

Long-Haired Drummer

Stepping off the bandstand at a psychedelic discotheque, the long-haired drummer approached a miniskirted chick and asked if she'd like to join him for a steak dinner. "No, I'm a vegetarian," she confided. "Vegetables are the only thing I eat."
"Well, then, let's go to my pad," he offered. "I'm a humanitarian."

A Raging Blizzard

After trying to fix a flat tire during a raging blizzard, the young man jumped back into the car with his date and began rubbing his nearly frozen hands. "Let me warm them for you," she offered, placing his hands between her thighs.
When his fingers had thawed out, the chap rushed back to continue working on the tire, but he quickly returned again, complaining that his hands were numb with cold. As he reached under her skirt, she slid forward and whispered ecstatically, "Darling, aren't your ears cold, too?"

Talented Young Man

Upon applying for admission to one of the most exclusive country clubs in New England, the rather reserved, unimpressive looking young man was notified that he must play a round of golf with the club officers as a prerequisite to his acceptance.
On the appointed afternoon, he met them on the first tee equipped with a hockey stick, a croquet mallet and a billiard cue. The officers looked him over incredulously, but nevertheless proceeded to tee off. To their dismay, the young man coolly drove three hundred and ten yards with the hockey stick, gracefully arched his second shot to the green with the croquet mallet, and sank a twenty-foot putt with the billiard cue.
After soundly drubbing the baffled officers with a sub-par sixty-eight, the applicant retired with them to the club bar. There he ordered a Scotch and soda, and when it arrived, he mixed the drink himself by tossing the contents of the shot glass over his shoulder into the waiting soda behind him on the bar. This further display of the young man's incredible physical coordination was too much for the officers of the club.
"You're miraculous," they exclaimed. "What's the story behind these fantastic talents of yours?"
"All my life," the man explained, "physical activity of any sort has been child's play for me. To overcome the boredom that has resulted from my monotonous mastery of everything, I try to do almost everything in the most difficult way possible. Thus, I play tennis with a Ping-Pong paddle, Ping-Pong with a tennis racket, and so on."
"Wait a minute," interrupted one of the club officers. "If it's true, as you say, that you do everything physical in the most difficult manner possible, I have one question. ..."
"I know," said the talented young man, smiling. "Everyone asks me the same thing and I don't mind telling you. Standing tip ... in a hammock."

The Pretty Patient

The pretty patient nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation—the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"
"Well, you see, doctor," the girl said, "my boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

The Shapely Coed

The shapely coed was undressing for the night when she noticed a puzzled look on her roommate's face. "Do you know there's the impression of a large M on your stomach?" the roommate asked.
"My fiance's in town this weekend," confided the young th: "and he likes to make love with his football-letter sweater on."
"Which school does he attend, Michigan or Minnesota?" qt tioned her friend.
"Neither," giggled the first girl. "He goes to Wisconsin."

Bad Shape

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a
very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Try to be
pleasant in general, and make sure he stays in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. Don't burden him
with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will
only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2
months, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the
husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to
die," she replied.

Retiring Warships

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

Newly Wed Breakfast

Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott.

"Toast and juice," replied Tracy.

Newly Wed Breakfast

Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning.

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready."

"Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott.

"Toast and juice," replied Tracy.

Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson's divorce

Lisa Marie's Divorce Allegations Against Michael Jackson

Wouldn't drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed...like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones...fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth...well okay. But what's with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield's body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna's dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor's supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in 'Jailbait Rock', the story of her Mom and Dad's courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that 'hee-hee-hee' thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya's Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn't have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese's within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to "just beat it" one too many times.

He's a plain spoken "Hoosier", and she had clearly gone "Hollywood".

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.

Sudden Change Of Mind

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

Four-Letter Words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly, she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I had never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please, mama!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter. "I'm so embarrassed. They're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

As Big As The Grill

A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big.almost as big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas grill!"

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little weiner!"

All About The Money

A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon. Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, "If it weren't for my money, we wouldn't be here at all!"

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, not only
would we not be in Florida, we wouldn't on a honeymoon, nor would there be any "we" in the first place."

30 Years Ago

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

Dentist Appointment

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10." "Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

Wife's Payday

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself!".

Who Does What?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS

Exhausted Blonde

An exhausted blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything."

A few weeks later the blonde returned looking even worse. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", replied the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market."

"That may be true," answered the blonde, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one they won't swallow the pill.?

Blonde Football

A dude took his blonde girlfriend to her first NFL football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked his blonde girlfriend if she had a good time.

She replied, ?Oh, I really liked it, but I just don't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, the dude asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"

Hot And Cold

One day a blonde was sitting in her apartment when the doorbell rang. She answered the door and found a salesman standing on her porch with a strange object in his hands. "What is that?" she asked, "What does it do?".

"This baby," the salesman said, "Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

After some deliberation the blonde bought one, deciding it would really help her lunch situation. The next day she arrived at her office and sure enough, her friends were curious about her new object.

"What is it?" they asked. "It's a thermos," she replied. "What does it do?" they asked. "Well," she said in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "What's in it?" they asked.

"Three cups of coffee and a Popsicle!"

The Jigsaw Puzzle

A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?"

"Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"

"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces."

"Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is."

"It's a big rooster," she said.

The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."

3Rd Grade Girls

There are three 3rd Grade girls, a blonde, a brunnett, and a red-head.
Q. Which one is the tallest?
A. The blonde -- she is 18 years old!

Elvis And A Smart Blonde

What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?

Elvis has been sighted.

Blonde In Rowboat

A blonde was driving down the road. As she was driving she noticed another blonde in a rowboat out in a cornfield with no water in site. So she pulls off the side off the road and yells to the blonde in the rowboat," I'ts blondes like you that give us a bad reputation." "And if I could swim, I'd come out hteir and kick your ass!"

$5000 Blonde Loan

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
Officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three week sand needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $18.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this Transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart "Blonde" joke!

The Cowboy

Added On Saturday, December 20, 2008 | In Blonde Jokes | By mohit
Viewed: 236 times

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like
this? The Cowboy says,
"Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and
this pretty little red head asks me to
go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she
pulls off her top and asks me
to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and
asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ...
so I did. Then she gets on the bed
and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ". Andhere I am.

Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.

Depressed Blond

A young blonde woman in Covington, KY was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Ohio River.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for." I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a
fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Argossy Casino, and we never leave Lawrenceburg, Indiana."

The Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Buying A Chainsaw

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

Passing A Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

My Wife Is Missing

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

Caught Stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

Getting Noticed

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer. After a couple of sips he looked up and saw a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He called the bartender over and said he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender said, "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian."

The man took a second, thought it over, shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's okay, I'd like to buy her a drink anyway."

So the bartender brought the woman her drink. The woman lifted her glass and gave our hero a nod of thanks. Encouraged, he got up from his bar stool and sauntered over to the woman. As he was sitting down on the stool next to her, he asked, "So, which part of Lesbia are you from?"

Doctor's Help Needed

An Indian brave rode into town one early evening, kicking up a hail of dust behind him. Very quickly, he jumped down from his horse and rushed into the doctor's office.

"Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!" he blurted out in between panted breaths. The doctor calmed him down and handed him two tablets for his chief to take before bedtime. "He will be all right first thing tomorrow morning," the doctor assured the young brave.

The next evening, the same brave rode into town again with the same complaint, "Doc! Doc! Big Chief, no shit!". This time the doctor gave him four tablets for his chief to take before bedtime.

And again, the same thing happened the following evening. The brave rushed into the doctor's office and yelled, "Big Chief, no shit!". This time, in exasperation, the doctor pushed the whole bottle of tablets to the brave and instructed that his chief take them at one go before bedtime.

Yet again, the following evening saw the same brave rushing into the doctor's office. "What now?". The doctor asked the brave. "Big shit, no Chief," the brave screamed.

Bus Stop Lesson

This is a story about a husband and wife who are waiting at a nearby bus stop with their nine children. Shortly afterwards, a blind man joins them and decides to wait for the bus as well. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded with passengers and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk to their intended destination. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is really driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Greatest Wish

Once there was this woman who was very flat across the upper body. She went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. Every night she cried and prayed for them to get larger. After several days of this, during one praying session, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared before her. With some magic words of liffiday-loffiday, balsshac, etc, she announced that the woman's breasts will grow an inch each time somebody said, 'pardon' to her. Then with a flash and the smell of potent magic smoke, the fairy godmother left.

Of course, the lady wanted to try out her godmother's spell immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and seeing a passerby, purposely collided with him and she promptly fell to the ground.

"Oh, pardon me. I'm sorry, are you alright?" the passerby said. "No, I'm fine," she replied hurriedly as she felt some tingling sensations on her breasts. She ran back to her apartment and checked herself. True enough, her breasts had grown by an inch!

At work, the following morning, she contrived to bump into the manager and spilt her coffee into her lap. "Pardon me! ... ," the manager said. She quickly replied, "It's alright ..." and ran into the bathroom and gleefully examined her breasts. She was delighted!

That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. As she sat there, a clumsy waiter passed by, tripped and spilt some aromatic dishes on her table. He said, "Oooooff!!," and after catching his balance, he turned to the woman with profuse apologetic intentions and said, "A thousand pardons!!"

Quick Laughs 11

A recent survey conducted in America showed that 10% of the men after making love rolled over and smoked a cigarette, another 10% got up and washed themselves while the remaining 80% dressed up and went home.

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Question : What do you have if you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

Answer : Not enough sand.

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In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton," 86% replied, "Not again".

Travelling Nuns

A bus load of nuns was travelling to see the Pope, and they had to make an overnight stop at a small inn on the way. The inn was nearly full, but there was enough room for the nuns if they went two to a room.

One couple had to share a double bed in a room. One of these two nuns turned to the other who was sharing with her and said, "Can I be frank with you? I'm a lesbian; I hope that doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable."

The other nun said back, "No - but if you're Frank tonight, can I be Frank tomorrow night?"

A good student

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001." The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

Naming the kids

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him. "Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids." "What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?" "He named your daughter Denise." "Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?" "He named your son Denephew."

Know your numbers

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A Jack."

A little girl

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

What God looks like

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little JohnnyÂ’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little JohnnyÂ’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?

What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

Three wishes

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out. The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass" The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass." Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

Movie Ratings Explained

G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The good guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl!

Tom Jones Syndrome

"Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

A jazz chord

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants! You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and starts to sing..... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you................."