Cabbie

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her.
By following her he found out she was working in a whorehouse.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"
The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the whorehouse and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home.
So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the whore house gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this women out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.
The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!"

The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!

Castration

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back.
It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

80 year old

An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action.
He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her.
The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"

"Sure would like to get some action tonight," said the old geezer.

"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished."

"What did you say?" asked the old geezer.

"You heard me - you're all finished."

"Oh," replied the old geezer, "how much do I owe you?"

Erection at Death

This guy died with an erection.
It was to big for the mortician to put him in a coffin, so the wife told the mortician to cut it off and shove it up his ass.
The next day at the funeral the wife saw a tear in her dead husband's eye.

She bent over and said, "I told you it hurts you fucking bastard."

Wedding in Vagas

A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married.

Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make.
The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested.
If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her.

The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession.
He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel tile wedding, it'd be fine by him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex.
Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other.

They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard.
Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor.

After she came to, the guy asked, 'I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?'

The girl said, 'You told me it was just like a baby.'

The guy replied, 'Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches

Dity Gesture

Once upon a time, there was a bridge between an American held territory and a Polish Country. An American soldier was assigned to walk and guard the bridge, so did the Polish. The American soldier was given strict orders not to talk with the Polish soldier as they met at the center of the bridge on each patrol.

The American became bored, so obeying orders not to talk; he decided sign language was OK. On the next pass, he gestured by putting both hands above his head and moving his fingers as he brought his hands down (asking of course, are you in the paratroops?).

The Polish soldier frowned and passed on by.

The next pass the American took his right hand two fingers and walked them down his left arm (you must be in the ground troops?).

The Polish soldier frowned again.

The next pass the American took his left hand and made a circle with his index finger and thumb, and inserted his right index finger through the circle (you must be in artillery?).

The Polish soldier threw down his rifle and ran off the bridge!!

The American's CO called the American soldier in and asked, "What in the hell did you say to that Polish soldier?"

Nice Nurses

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

Gay in Heaven

A gay went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self-control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Peter asks.

"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

Brothel Arrest

A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman.

The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for.

Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.

"That sounds good. I think I'll have some too," Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line.

A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, "You're so old, how do you do it?"

"It's easy," replied Grandma. "I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"

Pregnant Blonde

A bonde walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I, need, to see the upturn, please."

"I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a contamination."

"Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the blonde replied "Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I, haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

Skiing

Three men go on holiday abroad together.
The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies.
The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.

That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep.
In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

Linda

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him.
He asks what is the matter.
She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?"
Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40.
She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work.

When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asking her what the matter was now, she replied
"Your horse phoned."

The War is Over

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Stripp Joint

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping.
The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

Pussy On Fire

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."

Your Fly Is Open

"A retired General hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door was open"?

He didn't understand her remark, but later, he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her into his office, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary replied, "Why no sir, but I did see a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags""

Mother in Crisis

The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night.

"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.

"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."

Get Screwed

his guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam, "I want to get screwed."

The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door. The guy walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says, "I really want to get screwed, bad!"

A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."

So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits... Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out "I want to get screwed!"

The sexy voice behind the door answers, "Again?"

Piss of your Wife

In the most romantic setting possible, lean close and whisper in her ear "Upside down and in the dark all women smell like you."

Use her bra as a slingshot. Tell her it was too small.

Convince her that you're having an affair. Once you've got her thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding.

Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a bath.

Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets.

Tell her you're thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need to practice on her.

Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat.
You've got a fat ass, that's the problem."

New Ears

There once was a woman with enormous pussy wings. She asked her doctor if they could be trimmed back.

The doc told her that there are surgeons who perform such operations and offered to recommend one.

She said, "This is so embarrassing I wouldn't want anyone to know and everyone knows me in this town. Do you think you could refer me to a doctor in a big city so no one could find out?"

The doc said he knew a surgeon in Dallas who could do it. So they set it up. She went to Dallas for "a seminar" and had the surgery.

When she awoke there were three roses on her bedside table. When the doc came in to check on her she asked, "What's with the roses? No one's supposed to know about this."

The doc read the tags, "This first one is from the ward nurse. Of course she knows about it. And this one here is from the anesthesiologist."

She said, "What about the third one?"

He said, "It's from a guy in the burn ward thanking you for his new ears!"