New Husband

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage Friday came. They went to the Mikva. Then home to prepare to light the candles.

The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that after the Mikva and before lighting he candles, it’s a mitzvah to have sex.”

So they did. She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.”

So they did. They went to bed after prayers to get ready for Shabbos. When they awoke he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it’s a mitzvah to have sex.” So they did. After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather says after praying it’s a mitzvah to have sex.”

So they did. On Sunday she goes out to shop for food and meets a friend who asks, “So how is the new husband?”

She replies, “Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family.”

---

Boss's Boss

Sam is a servant boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes color if you add water). Sam as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank.

However, soon after he added water the pastis became milky. When the Boss came backed and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Sam as thief!!! At that same moment Sam realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen. The Boss told his wife that "Cherished, you will see, he will be obliged to acknowledge ". He shouted: "Sam!". Sam answered: "Yes, Boss". "Who drank my pastis?" No answer. The Boss reiterated his question: still no answer. Then the Boss went to find Sam in the kitchen and says to him: "You insane or what? Why when I call you you say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "Sam reported that "It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't understand anything at all, except the name "

Then to prove that Sam lies, the Boss says to him: "You stay beside Madam, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question ". Sam accepted. The Boss went in the kitchen and Sam shouted: "Boss". He answered: "Yes, Sam". Sam continued: "Who goes at the maid bedroom when the Madam is not there?" No answer. Sam shouted again: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?" No answer. Third time: "Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?" The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says "Sam: It is true, you are right, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name".

Who Is The Boss

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The Brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the Feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Russins´s wish

One day a Russian man was walking along a small alleyway of Moscow. As he was walking, he accidentally kicked over a dirty can, and to his amazement a genie popped out. The genie said
"You have one wish, what will the wish be?"
After thinking for a while, the man was ready to say his wish.
"I wish that I could pee vodka."
"How you wish,"the genie said, and was gone.

The man was so excited that he rushed home and took out a shot glass. He then peed into the glass, and looked at it. It was very clear, and did not look like pee. Then he took a small sip, and lo and behold, it was the best vodka he had ever tasted.

That night he called his wife over and took out two shot glasses, and did his business in them. The wife was very reluctant to drink it, but when she did, she was amazed, and they drunk far into the night. Eventually getting it on with each other.

The next night they did the same.

The third night, the man only took out one glass. The woman asked him why he only took out one, and his response was...

"Tonight, my dear lady, you drink straight from the bottle!"

Viagra Side Effects

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."
Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

A Donkey Joke

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy.

Many tried, all failed. Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his.

Sleepy Mary

Mary was in Sunday School but she didn't get enough sleep so one day her Teacher thought she could get Mary's attention by asking her a question

"Mary who is Jesus Christ's father?"
Mary didn't answer so her friend Jimmy poked her in the butt with a pencil and
Mary says. GOD!!!
and she falls back asleep and her teacher noticed and came back and asked her
"Who is our Lord and Savior?"
and then Jimmy pokes her in the butt again and Mary yells Jesus Christ and falls back alseep and then the teacher comes back and asked
"What did Eve say too Adam after the had their 23rd child?"
so yet again Jimmy pokes her in the butt and yells IF YOU KEEP POKING ME IM GOING TOO BREAK IT IN HALF!!!

In the same Room

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he xclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own fucking blanket!"

Sex On The Beach

A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues crying.

"Why are you crying?" he asks.

"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into the water.

"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."

Fiscal Policy

2007 Tax Code

The only thing that the Government has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is

due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1%
of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2007, the penis will now be taxed
according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5" Nuisance Tax $30.00

Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a tax refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION

Oral awakening

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

How To Enlarge Breasts

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks..

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat the husband says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

A Confession

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

He asked how.

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.


The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.

The result of anal sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified.

"What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from?".....

Cruise on the Pacific

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After awhile, Bob and Toms resistance to natures urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.....

Grab my breasts

She goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" !

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,

"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"

In a huff, the woman says,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GET TING SCREWED!

Skin transplant surgery

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Irish prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

Blonde Teacher

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"Are you ok?" she says

"Yes" he replied.

"You do know that you can go and play with the other kids", she says.

"Its best I stay here" he said.

"But why?" says the blonde.

The boys says
"Because I'm the f#cking goalie"

The flying dick

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had screwed around on her. She proceeded to cut his penis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window.

The penis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared."

Her father said, "Don't worry honey, it was only a bug."

His daughter said, "Wow, that bug really had a huge dick!"