A very shy guy goes into a bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Psychoanalyst visits

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry...

I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left.

The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

Bear visits a bar

A bear walked into a bar, slapped a $50.00 bill on the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender looked at the $50 bill, then at the bear and said; "I'll be back in a minute."

He went to his manager and stated what had just occurred.

The manager told him to go back to the bar, give the bear a beer, 50 cents change and strike up a conversation.

The bartender drew a beer, placed it on the bar, took the $50 bill, tossed 50 cents on the bar and said; "You know we don't get many bears in here".

The bear looked at the 50 cents, then at the beer, then said to the bartender; "$49.50 for a beer I can see why!"

Little guy drinking

This little guy is sitting in a bar, drinking and minding his own business.

When all of a sudden a great big guy comes in and—bang!—knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”

The little guy gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden—bang!—the big guy knocks him down again, this time saying, “That was a judo chop from Japan.”

Deciding he’s had enough of this, the little guy gets up, brushes himself off and leaves the premises.

He’s gone for an hour before he returns and—crash!—he knocks the big guy right off his stool to the ground, where he lies unconscious.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, “When that big jackass comes to, you can tell him that was a tyre iron—from Target.”

Coors beer

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar.

She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool.

The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around.
Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman.

All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady.

The blonde sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns.

The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar.

The woman walks in again, orders a Coors, drinks it, and then passes out. So, the bartender closes up shop, and everyone has a turn.

The next night, even more people are waiting at the bar. The woman walks in and orders a Budweiser.

The bartender, his plans foiled, asks, "You don't want the usual?"

She looks at him for a minute and shakes her head. "No. Coors makes my pussy sore!"

Obviously drunk

A completely inebriated man left a bar and was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Death in the family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued,
"My father died leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

Helga gets a beer

It was a hot day in Minnesota.

Helga hung out the washing, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some drycleaning.

"Gudness, it's hot", she mused as she walked down Main Street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "vy nodt?"

Helga sat at the bar, and the bartender asked her what she would have.

Helga said, "Ya know, it's so hot, I tink I'll haff myself a cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anhauser Busch?"

Helga, surprised, replied, "Vell fine, tanks. Undt how's your pecker?"

Butchers Daughter

This butcher lived in an apartment over his shop.

One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below, so he tiptoed downstairs and saw his 19-year-old daughter sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a
liverwurst.

The butcher sighed and tiptoed back to bed.

The next morning, when a customer walked in and asked for some liverwurst, the butcher said that he didn't have any left.

The customer was really annoyed; she pointed to the corner of the shop and asked, "No liverwurst?

Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"

The butcher frowned at her. "That", he replied, "is my son-in law”

Cheap Hooker

This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever.

He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home.

They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep.

The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, Bitch, you gave me crabs!"

She replies, "Well for $10 what did you expect, Lobsters?"

Tight Pussy

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, he goes to the bar and orders three whiskys.
The cat shouts "I'm not paying"
"I know" says the man "I'm paying."

A little later he comes to the bar again, and orders three whiskeys, "I'm not paying" shouts the cat again, again the man tells him that he is paying.

The man comes to the bar a third time, and again the cat shouts "I'm not paying".
The barman intruiged by this asks the fellow,"Excuse me sir, but why have you come in here with that cat and an ostrich ?"
"Well" says the man, "Before I came in here, I met a genie who said he would grant me any wish. So I asked for a long legged bird, with a tight pussy".

Chicken

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "$20 for a good time."
The man says "okay" and goes up to the bartender. "I’d like to have a good
time," he says and pays the bartender $20. The bartender says, "walk
through that door in the back and it will be on the first door to your left."
So the man walks through the door and into the next and finds a giant chicken.
So he says what the hell," and fucks the chicken. A week later the man
walks into the same bar and sees another sign put up that says, "$40 for a
really good time." So he goes up to the bartender, pays $40 and the
bartender says "go through the door in the back, up the flight of stairs and it will be the first door on your left." So he walks through the door, up the flight of stairs and enters the room on the left and finds a group of people looking
at the floor.
As he gets closer he sees two people having sex.
He says "This is awesome!!!"
The guy next to him turns and says yeah, you should’ve been here last week, some guy was fucking a chicken.

Alligator in a Bar

A guy walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.

The bartender says, "What do think you're doing? Get that goddamn thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my establishment".

The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".

The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.

He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens.
After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.
He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody.
Does anyone want to try?"

After looking around he finally here a drunk whose sitting at table say "Sure I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

Ireland Declares War

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."

TO FAR IN

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy wants some dirty fun and says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!?/font>

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."

Beautiful Woman

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."

He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

Depressed Man

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that.
This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office.
My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.
I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Smart Ass

A drunk walks into a bar and stands next to a wise ass. The wise ass walks up to a woman seated at the bar and whispers, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

The lady spins around indignantly and says, "What did you say to me?"

"Particular' nasty weather!" answers the wise ass.

"Oh," says the woman. The drunk thinks this is uproariously funny.

The wise ass moves on to another lady, saying, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" After the lady asks him to repeat his profane inquiry, he answers, "Particular' nasty weather!"

"Well yes it is, she answers." The drunk can stand it no longer, and asks the wise ass if he could try the little joke.

"Be my guest," replies Mr. Smartypants. So the drunk walks up to a likely young woman and blurts out, "Fuck you...It's raining."

Big John

A bar owner in the Old West has just hired a timid new bartender.
The owner of the establishment is giving his new hire some instructions on running the place.
He tells the timid man, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for the hills!!
He's the meanest, biggest, nastiest outlaw who ever lived!!"
A few weeks pass uneventfully.
But one afternoon, a local cowhand comes running through town yelling, "Big John is coming to town!!
Run for your lives!!!"
When the bartender exits the saloon to start running, he's knocked to the ground by several townspeople scurrying out of town.
As he's picking himself up, he sees a large man approaching the saloon, probably about 7 feet tall, muscular, grunting and growling as he walks.
He stomps up to the door, orders the poor barkeep inside, and demands, "I want a beer NOW!!"
He pounds his heavy fist on the bar, splitting it in half.
The bartender nervously hands the big man a beer, hands shaking.
He takes the beer, rips the top of the bottle off with his teeth, and downs the beer in one gulp.
As the poor timid bartender cowers behind the bar, the big man gets up to leave.
"Do you want another beer?" the bartender calls out. "Dang it, I don't have time!!" the big man yells. "I gotta get out of town!!! Didn't ya hear Big John is a-comin??"