Quick Laughs 11

A recent survey conducted in America showed that 10% of the men after making love rolled over and smoked a cigarette, another 10% got up and washed themselves while the remaining 80% dressed up and went home.

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Question : What do you have if you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?

Answer : Not enough sand.

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In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton," 86% replied, "Not again".

Charity

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

So the person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

11th husband

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Well-dressed woman

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"

Mexican bandit

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.

Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.

Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get f#@ked, Gringo. You haven't got the balls to shoot me.'"

A lawyers story

A lawyers story.

I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie.

Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker.

I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up. Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance.

She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "Jerk" at me again. Twice!! So I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"

"You were speeding. I watched you."

"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

"How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip.

She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks.

I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with.

She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."

I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn. "These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?" The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!

Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Legal parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.

The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him 'Senior Partner.'"

Attorney and Witness

Attorney: Are you the husband of the defendant? I mean of the plaintiff?
Witness: I'm the wife.
Attorney: You're not working for the defendant, are you?
Witness: No sir.
Attorney: I mean, he hasn't paid you off to come in here and lie for him, has
he?
Witness: No, sir. He doesn't make that kind of money.

Trip to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars."

1000 I Love You

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man
and asks him what he is doing. The man says,
"I'm sending out 1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
he said! I'm a divorce Lawyer