Ponderings

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left

Kofi Annan's New Year's UN Resolutions

Be brave -- ask US for more money. Salt and pepper beard more. Apply for US citizenship. Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony! Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.
Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"
Make the UN more bureaucratish. Write resolution to write more resolutions condemning the rogue state of Luxembourg. Talk to US President more in broader terms -
"African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.
Finally count out Third World dues change jar. Resolve to cut the word Secretary from title.
General Annan catchier. Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB. Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks. Make sure diplomatic immunity applies to downloading illegal nude photos of that smoking broad Condi. Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!

Marvin

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.

One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and two pistols. He went home and every day he went out behind his barn, and practiced shooting.

After two weeks he was getting to be quite a good shot. He decided it was time to show off. He put on his black clothes and hat, strapped on his guns and rode into town.

When he walked into the saloon, standing at the bar he saw Billy the Kidd. He was so excited! He walked up and said, "Mr. Kidd, I am your biggest fan. I have always wanted to be just like you." "Look at me. Do I look like a gunfighter?"

Billy looked him over and said, "Well, you have the right clothes and you have a nice black hat, and I see you rode up on a black horse. But, can you shoot?"

Marvin looked around the room and said, "See that piano player over there?" He drew his pistol and fired, shooting the cufflink off the piano player's shirt.

Billy said, "Not bad. Can you shoot with your left hand?

A gunfighter's got to be able to shoot with both hands."

Marvin drew his other pistol and fired, shooting off the piano player's other cufflink.

Billy said, "That's mighty fine shooting. I just have one piece of advice for you."

Marvin was bubbling with excitement, "What is it? What else should I do?"

Billy spoke slowly, "Well, go back into the kitchen there and get a big tub of lard. Take both of your pistols and rub them around in the lard, get them good and slick."

Marvin was puzzled. He asked, "Why is that important? What good will rubbing my pistols in lard do?"

Billy replied, "It won't help your shooting at all, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing the piano over there he's going to shove both of your pistols up your ass."

Ponderings collection 39

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Do You Believe

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. They are standing before God, seated on his throne.

God asks Al: "What do you believe?"

Al says: "I believe in the earth. I believe if we don't protect it, the whole earth will die."

God says: "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe?"

Bill Clinton says: "I believe in people. I believe the people should be empowered. I believe no one has the right to tell someone else what to do."

God says: "I like that, come sit on my right. OK Bill Gates, what do you believe?"

Bill Gates says: "I believe you're in my seat."

Being called a liar

A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don''t always match up with what I believe."

The Parking

Jennifer Love Hewitt & Jennifer Aniston were in a parking lot of Hollywood studios trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! Jennifer Aniston stopped for a moment to catch her breath. Jennifer Love Hewitt said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Pamela Disney Land

Pamela Anderson was driving her kids to Disney Land in her new Jaguar XK (convertible). When they were about half way there, the Pamela Anderson saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so Pamela turned back around and went home.

The Jungle

One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a new movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ”Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.” The three stars agreed. Then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.

Paris Hilton

12 Things Other Inmates Have Overheard Paris Hilton Say In Jail

1. Excuse me, but where is the Starbucks?

2. Is this pork chop and mashed potato stew diet?

3. Could you put those handcuffs on me again? It makes me feel like I’m in my own bed.

4. Wow. This is so like totally not like Daddy’s hotel. Big frown!

5. Can’t I have my dog here with me? He was driving drunk too!

6. Do you have anything else I can wear? This uniform makes me look so non-anorexic.

7. Wait! When I checked “no” about the conjugal visits, it was because I like TOTALLY thought it meant I had to meet with a grammar tutor.

8. Hey, why is there a bed in this disgusting little bathroom? And where is the rest of my cell?

9. You’ll silence Sarah Silverman for how much again?

10. Yes, can you tell me where I book a pedicure and a Brazilian? And would you mind if I brought in my people for it? No offense, but I would never want a stranger to see me down there!

11. Wow, so you’re like a criminal? You’re like the third one I met today!

12. Dear Mr. Diary. I’m going to write three letters to the judge and see if that helps: WTF?

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little JohnnyÂ’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?

What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

Three wishes

It was a nice sunny day when three men were walking down a country road, when they saw a bush with a pig's ass popping out. The first man says, "I wish that was Demi Moore's Ass" The second man says, "I wish that was Pamela Anderson's Ass." Then the third man says, "I wish it was dark."

Movie Ratings Explained

G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The good guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl!

Tom Jones Syndrome

"Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

A jazz chord

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants! You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and starts to sing..... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you................."