Blonde The Builder

Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The other blonde, confused, watched her do this and after she could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the %@#& are you throwing some of the nails away?!” “Whoa! Don’t yell!” the blonde on the ladder explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”

The second blonde became irate at this point and started to call her all kinds of names, referencing how stupid she was and how she was the reason blonde’s get a bad rap for being dumb. She explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”

Cigarette Condoms

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” – and they say “we’re saving it for later!”

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”

The Blonde Painter

An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Milk Bath For Beauty

An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.

When the milkman arrived, and read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The woman came to the door, and the milkman said, “Yes ma’am, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”

The milkman asked, “Do you want it Pasteurized?”

The blonde replied, “Nope, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes.”

A Blonde’s Flight To Chicago

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

Dumb BlondeThe blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”

Husband and Wife Letters

Here are two letters sent by both the Husband and then followed by the Wife on its reply, extremely witty, and definitely gets the message across ... read on.

Husband writes this letter to his wife :

Dear Sweetheart,

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses ...
You are my sweetheart.

Your husband,
Alex.

After a few days the Wife replies to the letter :

Dearest Sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1) The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2) The Electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3) Your house owner is coming everyday and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4) Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items ...

5) Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, Please Advise!

Your Sweet Heart.

Greatest Wish

Once there was this woman who was very flat across the upper body. She went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. Every night she cried and prayed for them to get larger. After several days of this, during one praying session, a fairy godmother suddenly appeared before her. With some magic words of liffiday-loffiday, balsshac, etc, she announced that the woman's breasts will grow an inch each time somebody said, 'pardon' to her. Then with a flash and the smell of potent magic smoke, the fairy godmother left.

Of course, the lady wanted to try out her godmother's spell immediately. She then ran out of her apartment and seeing a passerby, purposely collided with him and she promptly fell to the ground.

"Oh, pardon me. I'm sorry, are you alright?" the passerby said. "No, I'm fine," she replied hurriedly as she felt some tingling sensations on her breasts. She ran back to her apartment and checked herself. True enough, her breasts had grown by an inch!

At work, the following morning, she contrived to bump into the manager and spilt her coffee into her lap. "Pardon me! ... ," the manager said. She quickly replied, "It's alright ..." and ran into the bathroom and gleefully examined her breasts. She was delighted!

That night, she went to a posh Chinese restaurant. As she sat there, a clumsy waiter passed by, tripped and spilt some aromatic dishes on her table. He said, "Oooooff!!," and after catching his balance, he turned to the woman with profuse apologetic intentions and said, "A thousand pardons!!"

Driving Blonde

One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''

Stuck In The Room

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Blonde Phone Call

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your
other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Best Job A Blonde Has Ever Had

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

Pillsbury Dough Boy and a Blonde

what do you get when you cross the pillsbury douhg boy with a blonde??a whiney bitch with a yeast infection

Blonde Phone Call

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your
other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Best Job A Blonde Has Ever Had

Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

Pillsbury Dough Boy and a Blonde

what do you get when you cross the pillsbury douhg boy with a blonde??a whiney bitch with a yeast infection

Blonde At A M&M Factory

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Blonde In The Park

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

Blondes And Ufo's

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Exhausted Blonde

An exhausted blonde dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything."

A few weeks later the blonde returned looking even worse. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", replied the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market."

"That may be true," answered the blonde, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one they won't swallow the pill.?

Blonde Football

A dude took his blonde girlfriend to her first NFL football game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game, he asked his blonde girlfriend if she had a good time.

She replied, ?Oh, I really liked it, but I just don't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, the dude asked, "What on earth do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"