Sam is dead

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.

As he examined the body of Sam Jones, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Jones," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

Jeffrey Dahmer

What's worse than the pimples on Jeffrey Dahmer's face?

The blackheads in his refridgerator.

Black and white

What is black and white and black and white and black and white and red?

A nun rolling downhill into heavy traffic.

Condom

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the comdom out the window.

His girlfriend got mad at him as she wanted to go again but that was their last condom.

So he got out of the car and went to find the condom.

He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused. "C'mon" he begged, "I'll give you a dollar."

"Well," the little boy thought, "Okay."

So the little boy ran home. "Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!"

Lepers playing cards

Did you hear about the lepers playing a game of cards?

One threw his hand in, one laughed his head off and one cried his eyes out.

Ken Lay's cremation

Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack.

They announced they were going to cremate him... Where he's going, why bother?

Ken Lay's funeral

According to a new poll, 65% of those asked said it is sometimes okay to lie ... especially if you're giving the eulogy at Ken Lay's funeral.

At Ken Lay's funeral yesterday, the minister compared him to Martin Luther King, Jr... The difference is Dr. King had a dream, Ken Lay had a scheme.

Hezbollah and Syria

Since the bombing began, Israel has tried to make it clear Hezbollah and Syria are to blame for Lebanon's current nightmare.

To that end, Israeli warplanes have dropped thousands of leaflets on Beirut over the last few days showing a caricature of Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah as a cobra threatening the Lebanese capital.

And really, what a great idea, because if there's anything that calms the Arab world down, it's a cartoon.

Inflatable sex doll

On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable sex doll?

Instead of staring at the girls in bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.

Sneak in late

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late.

One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep.

Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up.

His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

Farmer Brown

Farmer Brown had been screwing one of his pigs for 5 years, when all of a sudden he was hit by pangs of conscience.

It bothered him so much that he decided that he just had to tell his priest about it in confession.

The priest was shocked and could only say to Farmer Brown, "Well, was the pig a male or a female?"

"A female, of course," shouted Farmer Brown!. "What do you think I am... some sort of queer?"

3 Breasted hooker

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...".

The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience".

So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money.

So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is.

The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life sucking and playing with them.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars.

Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday!" he says.

She smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

30 Times in a row

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Michael J. Fox Ads

Have you heard about the Michael J. Fox situation?

He's been doing ads in support of candidates who are for stem cell research.

And Rush Limbaugh attacked him and said that Michael J. Fox was off his medication when he filmed the ad, so that he'd look shakier.

He said, if he's not going to take his prescription drugs, he knows a fat drug addict who will.

Saddam footage

No one knows if Saddam is still alive or has been executed already.

They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that he is really alive.

You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

Beggars

A beggar runs into a bar and says
" bar tender , bar tender give me a tooth pick,"

now the bar tender is a bit confused and asks,
"why do u want a tooth pick?"

and the beggar just replys,
" give me the damn tooth pick"

so the bar tender gave him the tooth pick,
then another beggar comes in and also asks for a tooth pick and the bar tender gives it to him no questions asked,

then another beggar comes in and asks for a straw, the bar tender asks him,

" hey , all the other beggars wanted tooth picks, how come u want a straw?"

the beggar replys,

" well some body spewed outside and all the chunky bits are finished!"

Sperm Bank

A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money". "Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says. She prises off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands. The girl drinks another one. Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says

Taxi Fare

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, totally naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

The driver replied, "Well, ma'am, I can't help noticing that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare?"

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked,
"Got anything smaller?"