Done by smell

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time.

At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Blonde paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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Tragedy

David beckham is in a school and he goes into one classroom and says now kids can anyone tell me what a tragedy would be.

One boy sticks his hand up and says "If my friend was playing football in the street and got run over by a car that would be a tragedy".

"No", says beckham "That would be described as an accident.

So a girl puts her hand up and says "If a bus carrying about 50 children fell of a cliff and every child died that would be a tragedy".

"Fraid not". says Beckham "That would be a great loss".

So then silence, no-one answers.

"What", says Beckham "Can't anyone tell me what a tragedy would be".

Eventually little Johnny at the back puts his hand up and says, "If a plane carrying David Beckham was blown up by a bomb that would be a tragedy".

"Wonderful", beams Beckham and he says "Now can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

The boy replies, "Well it would not be an accident and it certainly would not be a great loss"

Definitely

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

Class dismissed

"Class dismissed!" the teacher yelled.

Little Johnny doesn't go, he walks to the teachers desk and says, "Teacher can I go home with you?"

The teacher says "No!"

Little Johnny says, "I'll tell my daddy."

So the teacher says, "Okay."

They get to the teachers house and she says, "Well I'm going to take a quick shower, you sit right here."

"Can I take a shower with you?" he asks.

"NO!" says the teacher.

"I'll tell my daddy!!"

"Well, okay, I guess so."

So, they're in the shower and little Johnny says, "Can I turn off the lights?"

"No!" says the teacher.

"I'll tell my daddy."

"Well, okay."

So the lights are off and little Johnny says, "Can I stick my finger in your belly button?"

"NO!" says the teacher.

"I'll tell my daddy."

"Well, okay"says the teacher.

"JOHNNY!!!! That's not my belly-button!"

"Yeah? That's not my finger either."

Eel in his pants

One day, little jonny asked his mom what sex was.

"Tonight, go into your sister's room, hide behind the curtain, and watch what she and her boyfriend do.

The following morning, jonny's mom asked what happened.

Little jonny explained "well at first, they were just kinda talking and laughing, but after a while they started kissing and hugging, sister got a fever, cuz she said she was feeling hot.

So sister's boyfriend put his hand under her shirt to find her heart, just like the doctor would.

Except he's not so smart because both of them got sick and they started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh, and squirm around and slide to the end of her bed. then i finally found out what was making them sick - a big eel had gotten inside her boyfriend's pants somehow.

It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long! anyways he grapped it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it, she got really scared - her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling to God and stuff like that.

She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen, I should tell her about the ones by the lake, anyway sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.

All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and tried to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it, and the boyfriend helped by lying on top of the eel.

The eel put on a heck of a fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while, they both stopped moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough they had killed the eel!

I knew because it just hung there and also because some of its insides were dripping out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to the bed anyway!

He started hugging and kissing her again! by golly, the eel wasn't dead!It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats-they have nine lives or something like that. this time, sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it.

After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw sis boyfriend peel it's skin off and flush it down the toilet!"

Little jonny's mom fainted